October 26, 2021 (Rehabilitation)
I've been struggling with wanting to take my life these last couple weeks because I feel hopeless and like a reject from society. Lately, my BPD has been really bad, and I haven't been getting much sleep. I didn't sleep again last night, and it's 7:34 AM right now. When I think of killing myself, I think of how people would just make videos making fun of me, mocking my mental illness and saying they were glad/I deserve it. I do understand that those are thoughts fueled by my BPD and that it isn't true.
I have a meeting with my new psychiatrist this Thursday and am going to be increasing my medication as well as exploring new ways to maintain a healthy lifestyle and stay forward thinking and goal-oriented. It means a lot to me, and I am looking forward to it. I am lucky to be able to see a psychiatrist and am thankful for their guidance.
I want to be happy and have a normal life, and have a future ahead of me despite my failures and mental health struggles. I have been doing everything I can to be the person I should be. I have been educating myself and in treatment for almost 2 years now (End of January) but I feel like I still have no worth. I want to be a good person and have a family that loves me, and I want to be able to do something I love and find peace. I am ashamed of my life and ashamed of who I was before starting my treatment. I just hate myself and feel lost. I don't want to be hated, and I want people to see me as a person. I have a lot of love and good to give this world, and I feel like I am no longer able to.
I haven't gotten around to answering any messages, so if you have sent one in, I apologize. I plan on getting to them today, but I am feeling hopeless. I have been converting to Judaism the last year and a half, and I am in a class I go to on Sundays that I enjoy, and am hoping helps me find peace because of my abusive relationship with God. I struggled with living with myself before my public failures, and now most days the weight of it feels unbearable. I don't know how to advocate for myself. I'm a smart person who wants to be a contributing member of society, and to be able to accomplish something someday, but I feel like my time has passed. I hope someday that I will be able to look back at this period of my life and see that its growth helped shape me, but I don't feel like it sometimes.
I feel like I am never going to be able to grow or move on in my life. It's a frustrating thing to experience, and my BPD makes my paranoia incredibly high, and I feel a lot of turmoil about it. I feel like giving up, but I won't because I think there is still hope for me. I want to go back to school and start a career that gives me purpose and that I feel safe in, and I think with the help of my treatment and support systems I will be able to.
I am writing this blog to help give me the confidence I need to continue on in my life. I am going to accomplish what I want. I will have a normal job with a normal schedule and a normal life. I will have a family and be able to support them, and I mean emotionally. I will be understanding of others, the way I want to be understood. I will be able to be someone I am proud of, and that people can be proud of. I will look back at this time in my life and be thankful for the struggles I have. I will conquer my mental illness and be successful. I have dreams for myself, and for my life. I won't give up on them.
I understand that I do not have a normal brain though. I am thankful for the way my mind works and for my ability to write music and use my voice in ways that connect with people. I will always be a writer and am excited to continue following that and I am incredibly grateful for McCafferty. Something that gives me a lot of fulfillment and purpose is this new release I am working on. I feel like the only thing I have ever been good at is making music and it’s exciting thinking about sharing new songs that I hope people connect to. Even in my darkest moments I am thankful for it and the journey it has put me on. It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and it’s my story. Even with its hardships I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
I am thankful to get to experience this place, and I won't leave until I have accomplished what I want to. I have a loving stable home, and a support system that cares for me and wants to see me succeed. I will not let them down. I am thankful for them.
I am a loving person who wants to do good in their life.