• Nick Hartkop

October 26, 2021 (Rehabilitation)

I've been struggling with wanting to take my life these last couple weeks because I feel hopeless and like a reject from society. Lately, my BPD has been really bad, and I haven't been getting much sleep. I didn't sleep again last night, and it's 7:34 AM right now. When I think of killing myself, I think of how people would just make videos making fun of me, mocking my mental illness and saying they were glad/I deserve it. I do understand that those are thoughts fueled by my BPD and that it isn't true.

I have a meeting with my new psychiatrist this Thursday and am going to be increasing my medication as well as exploring new ways to maintain a healthy lifestyle and stay forward thinking and goal-oriented. It means a lot to me, and I am looking forward to it. I am lucky to be able to see a psychiatrist and am thankful for their guidance.

I want to be happy and have a normal life, and have a future ahead of me despite my failures and mental health struggles. I have been doing everything I can to be the person I should be. I have been educating myself and in treatment for almost 2 years now (End of January) but I feel like I still have no worth. I want to be a good person and have a family that loves me, and I want to be able to do something I love and find peace. I am ashamed of my life and ashamed of who I was before starting my treatment. I just hate myself and feel lost. I don't want to be hated, and I want people to see me as a person. I have a lot of love and good to give this world, and I feel like I am no longer able to.

I haven't gotten around to answering any messages, so if you have sent one in, I apologize. I plan on getting to them today, but I am feeling hopeless. I have been converting to Judaism the last year and a half, and I am in a class I go to on Sundays that I enjoy, and am hoping helps me find peace because of my abusive relationship with God. I struggled with living with myself before my public failures, and now most days the weight of it feels unbearable. I don't know how to advocate for myself. I'm a smart person who wants to be a contributing member of society, and to be able to accomplish something someday, but I feel like my time has passed. I hope someday that I will be able to look back at this period of my life and see that its growth helped shape me, but I don't feel like it sometimes.

I feel like I am never going to be able to grow or move on in my life. It's a frustrating thing to experience, and my BPD makes my paranoia incredibly high, and I feel a lot of turmoil about it. I feel like giving up, but I won't because I think there is still hope for me. I want to go back to school and start a career that gives me purpose and that I feel safe in, and I think with the help of my treatment and support systems I will be able to.

I am writing this blog to help give me the confidence I need to continue on in my life. I am going to accomplish what I want. I will have a normal job with a normal schedule and a normal life. I will have a family and be able to support them, and I mean emotionally. I will be understanding of others, the way I want to be understood. I will be able to be someone I am proud of, and that people can be proud of. I will look back at this time in my life and be thankful for the struggles I have. I will conquer my mental illness and be successful. I have dreams for myself, and for my life. I won't give up on them.

I understand that I do not have a normal brain though. I am thankful for the way my mind works and for my ability to write music and use my voice in ways that connect with people. I will always be a writer and am excited to continue following that and I am incredibly grateful for McCafferty. Something that gives me a lot of fulfillment and purpose is this new release I am working on. I feel like the only thing I have ever been good at is making music and it’s exciting thinking about sharing new songs that I hope people connect to. Even in my darkest moments I am thankful for it and the journey it has put me on. It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and it’s my story. Even with its hardships I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

I am thankful to get to experience this place, and I won't leave until I have accomplished what I want to. I have a loving stable home, and a support system that cares for me and wants to see me succeed. I will not let them down. I am thankful for them.

I am a loving person who wants to do good in their life.


Recent Posts

See All

I just got home from recording Snoqualmie today. It is going to be the last single before the release of the album. Trees III will be on the album, so if you've been waiting for it, it'll be available

Since going to the mental hospital, becoming medicated and starting therapy for the last two and a half years, my BPD and Bipolar no longer have me living a destructive lifestyle where I hurt myself a

I've started going through my emails and responding, but it's going to take some time. I am still only on messages from May 10th, and I am aiming to do about 20 responses a day. It takes a couple hour