July 23rd, 2026 (Sum of All Fears)

 I’ve been revisiting some of my old songs from before my Bipolar 1 got really bad and I love the energy and positivity they have. I wanted McCafferty to capture my youth and I think it really did. I have around 130 songs on Spotify and I’ll always create and put out new music. I have a new song coming out August 14th, 2026, but I noticed as I fell into my mental illness more and more that my music became darker and darker with the headspace I was in. I miss being young, I'm 33 now, not too old, but my youth is gone and I’ve become an adult and that is a beautiful thing as well. 

I’m married to an incredible person who helped me get into treatment, medicated to help me be a normal fucking person, and I do miss being young. It went so fast, like in the blink of an eye and I tried to capture it. Wild, excited, broke as shit and stressed out about the future  but having the time of my life. And I wanted to connect with people and I had this desire to create and connect and to be seen, but I struggled mentally and hadn’t become the person I needed to be and I hurt people around me and myself, and reflecting on that as an adult I have a lot of regret and shame, but I need to continue on growing and being the person I want to be and to help people with my words because I want my life to have purpose and to do good while I'm here in this short time on this crazy planet. 

We only get one shot at this. One body to treat well and one life to treat people well around us so I’m going to always do my best. I am so blessed to get so many messages on Instagram and I want those people to know how much I appreciate them and their kindness and I will do my best to support them as well. 

I am going to start revisiting my old music and I can’t decide if I want to make a video of me listening to it and going through each song and giving a little explanation of it, or if I want to do that in a document I could publish that people could purchase and read through. I don’t think I’m great on camera, but I love to write so that may be what I do. But in today’s post I wanted to revisit two old songs that really mean a lot to me. 

New York, New York and 3 = 4, two songs that were from old EPs that I added to The Sum of All Fears collection. You can listen to them here if interested

New York, New York

3=4

I wrote those songs when I was just starting college my freshman year and I was a dishwasher at a local restaurant. I would think of the melodies in my head and I based the song New York, New York off a server named Amanda that I worked with. She was a really nice unique person and her story resonated with me so I wanted to turn it into some kind of art. 

3 = 4 was about my fear of the future and my partner leaving me. I was such an insecure, toxic person back then and so worried of being alone, that terrified me. It was immature and I was just a kid but it felt so crushing, I just didn’t want to be worthless and alone. I’m really happy with the person I have grown into and dealt with those issues but I think the song says it best:

“What I mean, is I mean, when I say I don’t love you, and I hate you, please forget me, I’ll forget you and you know that. And I know nothing more than what your friends tell me at night, and I know you’re never wrong sweetheart, but I know I’m never right, and when the car is always gone, the thoughts are never clean, oh my god I feel alone, I'm sure you know just what I mean…”

If you are reading this, you are not alone. There are people out there who feel the way you do, people who will love you and accept you. That includes me. I’ll try to update my blog more often, but I’ve been thinking about how beautiful this world is. I’m glad to be here and am glad you are too. 

-Nick Hartkop