July 23rd, 2026 (Sum of All Fears)

 I’ve been revisiting some of my old songs from before my Bipolar 1 got really bad and I love the energy and positivity they have. I wanted McCafferty to capture my youth and I think it really did. I have around 130 songs on Spotify and I’ll always create and put out new music. I have a new song coming out August 14th, 2026, but I noticed as I fell into my mental illness more and more that my music became darker and darker with the headspace I was in. I miss being young, I'm 33 now, not too old, but my youth is gone and I’ve become an adult and that is a beautiful thing as well. 

I’m married to an incredible person who helped me get into treatment, medicated to help me be a normal fucking person, and I do miss being young. It went so fast, like in the blink of an eye and I tried to capture it. Wild, excited, broke as shit and stressed out about the future  but having the time of my life. And I wanted to connect with people and I had this desire to create and connect and to be seen, but I struggled mentally and hadn’t become the person I needed to be and I hurt people around me and myself, and reflecting on that as an adult I have a lot of regret and shame, but I need to continue on growing and being the person I want to be and to help people with my words because I want my life to have purpose and to do good while I'm here in this short time on this crazy planet. 

We only get one shot at this. One body to treat well and one life to treat people well around us so I’m going to always do my best. I am so blessed to get so many messages on Instagram and I want those people to know how much I appreciate them and their kindness and I will do my best to support them as well. 

I am going to start revisiting my old music and I can’t decide if I want to make a video of me listening to it and going through each song and giving a little explanation of it, or if I want to do that in a document I could publish that people could purchase and read through. I don’t think I’m great on camera, but I love to write so that may be what I do. But in today’s post I wanted to revisit two old songs that really mean a lot to me. 

New York, New York and 3 = 4, two songs that were from old EPs that I added to The Sum of All Fears collection. You can listen to them here if interested

New York, New York

3=4

I wrote those songs when I was just starting college my freshman year and I was a dishwasher at a local restaurant. I would think of the melodies in my head and I based the song New York, New York off a server named Amanda that I worked with. She was a really nice unique person and her story resonated with me so I wanted to turn it into some kind of art. 

3 = 4 was about my fear of the future and my partner leaving me. I was such an insecure, toxic person back then and so worried of being alone, that terrified me. It was immature and I was just a kid but it felt so crushing, I just didn’t want to be worthless and alone. I’m really happy with the person I have grown into and dealt with those issues but I think the song says it best:

“What I mean, is I mean, when I say I don’t love you, and I hate you, please forget me, I’ll forget you and you know that. And I know nothing more than what your friends tell me at night, and I know you’re never wrong sweetheart, but I know I’m never right, and when the car is always gone, the thoughts are never clean, oh my god I feel alone, I'm sure you know just what I mean…”

If you are reading this, you are not alone. There are people out there who feel the way you do, people who will love you and accept you. That includes me. I’ll try to update my blog more often, but I’ve been thinking about how beautiful this world is. I’m glad to be here and am glad you are too. 

-Nick Hartkop

March 25th, 2026 (6 Years of Treatment)

February marks 6 years since I’ve started treatment for my Bipolar 1 and BPD! I wanted to make a video covering my past, what it’s like to live with Bipolar and my life. If you could check it out and share it that would be awesome. Sending love to everyone.

-Nick

December 19th, 2025 (Update)

Happy Holidays everyone! It's been a while since my last blog and I wanted to give everyone a little update about my life and McCafferty going forward. Mentally, I have been doing really well. I’m on a steady regime of medication for my bipolar and BPD and I’ve been living a safe healthy life for almost 6 years now. I have been blessed with a support system through my wife and therapist/psychiatrist that has really helped shape myself into a better person. I am so grateful for them both. Regarding music, I have been burnt out for a long time from writing so many McCafferty songs. I think I have around 120ish songs on Spotify as of now and that encompasses my entire life from 2010 until now. 

I have lost a lot of passion for music and it's not something I do everyday now because it doesn’t give me fulfillment. Before I was medicated, I would write every single day when I was manic, but my medication has curbed my mania and I don’t feel like writing as often. That’s also because when I write I go into a dark headspace that is communicated by my lyrics and songs and it's hard to be in that mindset a lot. I also feel very accomplished with McCafferty and don’t feel like I have to prove anything to myself anymore. I have very bad self-esteem and feel like a failure in my life with McCafferty. I see other bands my size thriving and going on exciting tours and have tons of fans and that’s just not something I am able to do with my mental illness. I am incapable of touring and I do not like playing shows and I really struggle with that, but I have started to come to terms with it and that mixed with my past just weighs heavy on my heart a lot of the time. But I have so many blessings in my life and McCafferty is thriving despite my setbacks. I got around 130,000,000 streams this year which is an incomprehensible number to me. My music has become so much bigger than me and it’s an incredible feeling. I just want everyone that listens to know how much I appreciate them and truly truly want to thank each and everyone of you. 

McCafferty has always been a story about my life, from my worst moments, to my greatest. It has documented every step of the way from being a mentally ill teenager, to a full grown adult with a family (while still being mentally ill). That is really cool to me. I started putting out McCafferty songs when I was 16 years old (Drop From Our Windows being my first song in 2010) and now I am 33 years old and it seems like my music is just starting to catch on with a solid listening fanbase. That really excites me because I feel like I captured my youth in a way that other kids can relate to, even though I have left adolescence now. I see myself as someone who has had a lot of success and failure and can be a mentor to other young aspiring musicians and to people who also struggle.

  I wish I could say mental illness gets better as you get older, but the truth is that it doesn’t, and in a lot of ways it gets worse. I used to struggle with drugs as a coping mechanism, like many people with bipolar do, and it took a lot of active willingness to want to change and become a good person and an adult to break my cycles of abuse. If I hadn’t changed, I would be dead by now. I think about death a lot, pretty much everyday all day, and I think about what people will say about me when I’m gone and what my legacy will be. I want to treat people with respect and love so that when I pass they feel as though I was a good person. I feel like McCafferty will live on long after I am gone and that makes me really happy. If you are someone who struggles mentally or with addiction, just know that I understand and sympathize with you. You are not alone and McCafferty can be a safe space for you in your worst moments, just as it has been for me. I love everyone who listens so much and you all give my life so much purpose. I hope everyone has a great rest of their year and always feel free to shoot me a message. 

Sincerely, 

Nick Hartkop AKA McCafferty