We finished recording Salish a few weeks ago and will be uploading it later today. Out of all the songs I have made over the last two years it's my favorite one. To be honest I think it’s one of the best songs I’ve ever made and it means a lot to me and I really hope it connects with people. We went to a new studio for this one because I was looking for a fuller sound for the song. It was a really good day and I hope that people enjoy it. I finally feel like I've made a song I love again which is hard for me to do. Over the last two years I have felt like I was struggling to find my talent again and while I've enjoyed the other songs I've put out, this one is the one I have been trying to find and love dearly.

After its release I will be taking a break from recording for a while. I have been struggling mentally these last couple months and need to take time off from thinking about McCafferty and being active with it. I wanted to release this song before I took a break because I think people will really enjoy it and I feel good sitting on it until I feel like I want to start making music again. Doing McCafferty only works now if I remain healthy, and I need to continue to focus on my treatment and growing as a person. I will still update my blog and respond to messages when I can and I want to thank everyone for listening. This blog means a lot to me and I am grateful to anyone who takes the time to check it out. I want to be a good person and a healthy person, and managing my Bipolar and BPD is a daily struggle, so I need to take time off to focus on those things and being with my family. I have grown a lot as a person and am regretful and feel shame for my past, but I am thankful for the education, therapy, and medication I have been given these last few years and for finally trying to become a stable person. I hate that I was a narcissist in my past, but am thankful for my failures because they led to me finally receiving the help I needed. It sucks looking back at my lowest moments of hurting myself and others and feeling like they define me, but I need to come to terms with the fact that they don’t define me but are a part of my journey of becoming the person I want to be/need to be, even if I wish I could go back in time and change things. I can be better, and am better than the person I was, and I want to start focusing on my future and not obsess over my past anymore. My therapist says I am stuck in a cycle of wishing I could change my past and not focused enough on my future beyond that point in my life, and I want to try to do that. I have had a lot of external struggles and failures, but I will continue to hold myself accountable for the things I say and do and be the best version of myself. I hope it is possible for me to find peace, redemption and happiness. It is something I am actively working towards and I won’t give up on and I want to make other people happy too. I want to use my voice and kindness to help others feel understood. I will post again when the song is up. I think it will connect with people so I’m excited. Feel free to send a message through the site or email nickhartkop@mccaffertyband.com, I will always try to make sure to get back to you. I know there have been a few inquiries about merchandise and we will try to look into that later in the year. -Nick

-----------------------------


Salish Artwork


  • Nick Hartkop

I've been feeling really lost in my life and having an identity crisis because I am getting older. I am at a crossroads of trying to figure out who I am as a person and what my future looks like. Do you know that feeling you get right before you fall? Like that weightless feeling in your stomach as you prepare for impact--that is what it feels like for me. It feels like I have a bunch of copper wire in my stomach that I can't untangle and my brain feels like I am a failure. I have a lot of dreams for myself as a writer and a person and I am worried I am running out of time. Sometimes I feel like my life is over and I am just wrapping up what I have left before I die.

I have been struggling with self-harm and wanting to kill myself and sometimes I feel like I have no choice but to kill myself. Like I am just surviving day to day before I finally say, "Today's the day." I get scared of being forgotten because I don't want people to forget about me because it makes me feel meaningless. I wish I could flash forward a couple years and see if I am happy and content with my life. I had an issue of sleeping all the time because I liked being in my dreams more than the crushing weight of reality, but I have been waking up earlier because I am afraid of the dark and want to be in the sun as much as possible.

I have all the blinds open in my home and sit by the window a lot because the sun makes me feel like it's not time to kill myself. The worst is when it's nighttime and I can't sleep and my partner is asleep. I usually just stare at the ceiling recounting all my failures and thinking about how much of a failure and useless I am. I wish there was a straightforward path to redemption for me so people would know I am a good person who has had a lot of external mental struggles but is good in my heart. Alongside my medication for BPD/BP and my treatment I take Prazosin for PTSD. It helps me but sometimes I feel so scared.


I have been crying a lot and want to be a strong person. But I don't know how to be strong and I feel very weak and pathetic. I don't want my life to be meaningless and to just be a cog in the machine of some company I have to work for to survive. I have never been good at work and holding a job. I had a problem of creating issues where there were none and being externally aggressive because of my own insecurities. I am such a paranoid neurotic person and used to be incredibly narcissistic. It's something I have worked on in therapy but I am still struggling with internally. I am just so afraid of being forgotten and disappearing into nothingness.


I know I want to have a family, but I still feel like I haven't accomplished what I want to as a young adult. The years have gone by so fast and I feel like I have been left behind and everyone else my age is successful with families and careers and I am still sleeping cuddling stuffed animals crying. It is a really embarrassing thing to admit but I still feel like a little kid. So I am asking the universe for the strength to be the person I want to be. I want to own the failures I have had and be the person I want to be. It has been two years of treatment that has allowed me to change as a person, but I am not the person I need to be yet. I need to be strong.

I just want to find happiness and peace and help people. I want to be a good person and live an adult life filled with purpose and love. I am a good person in my heart. I am not just a bunch of failures and hurtful words. I don't want to kill myself and I want to figure out how to stop the countdown to it. I want to have children and give them the life I wish I had growing up. I want to be strong for the people around me and I feel selfish feeling this way. I feel embarrassed of this blog because I don't feel like I am able to come across professionally today because of the struggles I am having in my head. I want to find happiness, is it possible to find happiness?


I'm recording my next song, Salish, on March 5th. Out of the 3 songs that I will have done for the album so far it is my favorite. I think it's the best song I've written in years and I am really proud of it. It makes me cry when I listen/play it and I hope it connects with anyone who listens to it. I think it has a good mixture of acoustic, drums, synth, electric guitar and horns. I hope to have it out mid-March. I have been focusing on finishing up my screenplay that I will be submitting for publication and self-publishing. It is 117 pages, so about a minute per page making it around a 2-hour film. I will be making a post dedicated to discussing it the closer it gets to release, I am on my 4th rewrite of it because I want to make sure it is the best it can be.

I hope anyone who is struggling and reads this blog knows that I understand the darkness and pain you feel. I also hope you know your life has meaning and I am glad you are here. I will continue to try to show the world I am a good person and that I have love and life to give. I know everyone wants to find happiness and I hope I find mine. I don't want to feel this way anymore.

Nick

  • Nick Hartkop

Updated: Feb 14

It is not possible to erase memories or change the past, but you can stop old behavior patterns, decrease the intensity of blind reactions, learn to embrace change, accept all emotions that come up, build self-awareness, and strengthen good habits. Healing is intentional action plus time

This quote speaks to me in regards to my treatment of BPD/Bipolar. I feel sickness and anguish over my past failures, and I carry embarrassment that is hard to manage, but I have worked incredibly hard at becoming educated and a good person over the last couple of years and am proud of the person I have become/am. I am capable of good, of being normal, of living healthily, of using my lowest points to better myself, to be a good partner, to see the best in others, to love deeply, to be empathetic, to be accountable, to be a friend, to put others before myself, to think deeply, to reflect daily, and to want the best for myself and other people, and to help people who are struggling like I am. I am thankful for my treatment, my therapist, my psychiatrist, my family, and for the opportunities to be the person I want to be. I want to be a good person and I want to show the world that. I want to be the best version of myself.

Nick