For Cheetah Print Bag I wanted to do an acoustic song like I did for my older material, meaning a live take with no metronome. I was debating if I wanted it to be as raw as it is because the vocals sound very uncontrolled and I am out of breath at times, but I always prefer live sounding music to super produced material. I wanted the theme of the song to revolve around parental struggles with hopeless love and the wanting of acceptance. I think a lot about dying and I wonder if I will make it to heaven, if there even is a heaven at all. I hope there is because I am selfish and scared of there being nothing, but regardless we all are going to find out someday. I head back into the studio on March 5th and 12th, so I am going to try to do the next two songs then and will hopefully release them next month. I am still replying to all the emails I have been receiving and I apologize for the late responses, I should be caught up by the end of this upcoming week. I've been focusing on my treatment for Bipolar/BPD and being a good person in my day-to-day life, and I want to leave a positive impact with the time I have here and be someone that people are proud of and like to be around. It is important to me to be a good person, and I feel like one in my heart, so I want to display those qualities and be the best possible version of myself. I hope that you enjoy the song, and I am incredibly grateful to anyone who listens. Feel free to send a message and I will try to get back to you this week.

Nick Hartkop

Cheetah Print Bag Lyrics:


The child’s arms were so thin that they looked like sticks I bet that Jesus Christ would think the crucifix was funny I wonder if he tells that story at his parties, the ones in heaven that I’ll never get to see Motherfucker Rain pour down on my face, I taste blood, and it tastes good His casket was open in the ground he went. I let you suck my soul from my mouth into your heart at one point we were two separate bodies, but now one that’ll never part I can feel the anchor that’s stuck in the ocean floor from this ship I can’t escape this feeling that I’m drowning deep down in the pit Love note that she left in her locker, If I could, I would make you mine Carousel lit with color, we’re dead but we feel fine Dark room that is lit by a candle, spirits can you hear my cry? Cheetah print bag on her shoulder, my mom died around this time last year, she was Drunk and was angry Like her mother was too I remember when she took me on the Ferris wheel and bought me those balloons And I remember the way her face looked when she would tell me she needed a drink Come on mom , Come on mom, you don't need a drink Rain pour down on my face

I taste blood and it tastes good his casket was open in the ground she went Love note that she left in her locker, if I could, I would make you mine Carousel lit with color, we’re dead but we feel fine Dark room that is lit by a candle, spirits can you hear my cry? Cheetah print bag on her shoulder, my mom died around this time last year, she was drunk and was angry like her mother was too I remember when she took me on the Ferris wheel and bought me those balloons And I remember the way her face looked when she would tell me she needed a drink Come on mom, come on mom, you don't need a drink Love note that she left in her locker, if I could, I would make you mine Carousel lit with color, we’re dead but we feel fine Dark room that is lit by a candle, spirits can you hear my cry? Cheetah print bag on her shoulder, my mom died around this time Hey, I wanted to call and say I had a dream about you and dad when we used to live on Debbie drive. I was playing in the back yard with Lou and thinking about that time when Nathaniel climbed those pine trees and fell out and hurt his arm. I remember Isabella playing with Polly pockets and I think about how horrible I was to her. I wish I could go back in time and drive to Blockbuster with mom and take that old road on Granger that deer ran across when it was foggy out. I wish We could go fly kites at the Achievement Center and ride our bikes around that lake I thought about drowning myself in. I wish I could mow the yard again and see Lady up in the window barking at nothing, and I wish I could hear the doorbell ring when Lane would come over and we’d complain about how bored we were, and I wish I wasn’t so lost in my life right now. I can’t seem to find peace in all this, but I want to. I don’t know if God is listening but if he is I need help

  • Nick Hartkop

I wanted to make a post letting anyone who has sent a message know that I haven't gotten around to any emails since December 1st, 2021. I have over 200 emails currently in my inbox that my team has sent and my goal is to start answering them on Monday, January 31, 2022. If you have emailed in, I will get back to you.


The last two months I have been struggling mentally around my purpose in life and moving forward from my abusive past. I have been to rehab twice and in therapy every single day for the last two years, and I still feel like an utter failure who is going to be sent to hell. I am scared when I die God is going to damn me and send me to a lake of fire. My Bipolar and Borderline tell me I am the person that people say I am online, but my heart feels deeply for people who are hurting and want to help people. I need to know if it is possible to have failed greatly in life and become a good person. Is it possible for me to be the person I want to be? I think I am a good person who has had a lot of mental illness, anger, and public struggles, but I don't want my story to stop there. I wish there was a clear pathway to redemption. Everyone has times in their life they aren't proud of, and regrets that make their skin crawl, but it took me a lot of education and reprogramming of my morals and behavior to see the world as I should have and to live life healthily.


It feels weird because I don't feel like the person I was anymore, but my past haunts me every day. I want to find peace, and I think continuing to do music and express myself allows me to do that. Being in therapy, being active in my mental health and being accountable for the things I say and do will allow me to move forward and not be stuck in what was, but to see what is and what will become of me. I want my family to love me. I have been trying to rebuild my relationship with my parents and make up for abandoning them in favor of drugs and destruction. I want my father to know I think he is a good man who gave me the best life he could, and I want my mother to know I forgive her and love her deeply.

I was a horrible sibling growing up and pushed my sister and brother away by being verbally abusive, and I don't want to die without seeing them again. I haven't talked to them or seen them in years and I still think about my little sister every day. I think about rehab a lot and the people who I met there that were suffering so deeply, and how it felt to hold hands with them and cry. I also have been thinking about when I crashed my car while overdosing and was so out of it that I kept telling the police and hospital workers that my partner was my mom, Jo-Ann. I don't remember being in the hospital after overdosing, but I'm told I called her Jo-Ann every time I saw her. I miss my mom so much. I love my partner so much.


As someone who has struggled with killing themselves it sounds weird to say I love living. I love being alive and love watching the sun rise. I love driving for coffee in the morning and watching all the cars with people passing by and wonder if they are happy and have struggles similar to myself.

So I need to ask myself this question, when does my life begin and how do I right the wrongs of my past? I want to be good. I want to be loved. I am afraid of being forgotten. I am afraid of my mental illness. I am afraid of my anger. I am afraid of being hated and made fun of.

I want to be a good person and I don't want to go to hell. I feel grateful to have the life I do and to create, and I feel thankful for McCafferty.


Nick

  • Nick Hartkop

Updated: Jan 29

For this song I wanted to make something that sounded like my old material- low-fi but have a lot of energy. I miss the way those songs sounded from around 2012 and the live feel they had. There was something special about that feeling. I included references to other songs from over the years that I hope people are able to pick out. My favorite lyric is, “I miss you so much that it fuckin hurts, It’s like I've got barbed wire in my chest comin through my shirt, and when I hold someone it goes from my chest into theirs.” I like the imagery of it and because I feel like I cause pain to people I hold close. I don’t want to feel like that anymore. To me it sounds like a song that would be on Dancebeats and I think that’s a nice change from how clean and produced my later stuff became. I wanted this to sound like I was playing live at a house show. I like the “ohhh” chants and the chants on the “sorry I'm late” I think the chants in general on this song are some of my favorite. I think they add a group energy that’s fun and upbeat. I hope you enjoy the song too, it should be on Spotify in the next couple days so keep an eye out. The last couple of months I have been struggling mentally and have decided to break up the recording process for the songs I have written and releasing them as singles, not all at once for a CD. I need to remain healthy and to be honest being in the studio was causing me a lot of anxiety and I wasn't able to commit to the entire week. I was able to do Ugly and Cheetah so those will be the two I am releasing. Cheetah Print Bag will be up later this week/Next week, and then I’ll be taking a break until I feel well enough to head back to record. So, essentially it’ll be a bunch of singles then put into an album.


I want to be a good person so badly and make a positive impact with my time here. I have a good heart and good intentions and want to be a better person than I was in my past. Getting treatment for my BPD/Bipolar has changed me a lot and I have been educated in ways that have helped me become a more empathetic person. I have so much shame, regret and embarrassment revolving around my failures, but through my treatment and support systems I will remain a healthy person who stands for what’s right in my heart. I am blessed to have the love and support I do and I want to make people happy and feel understood.


Nick Hartkop

————————-—-

Ugly Duckling Lyrics


Breakneck speeds with breakneck lives

With break-breakneck choices in the night

You've got two black eyes and bruised up thighs

He said, "I can fight if you can fight"

You know, I would be alright if I could make you mine

These can fix your brain if you just give it time

We can take it slow or can take it fast, either way I know that this will never last

Fuck you, then you fucked me and ruined everything

I felt trapped in our home, so I ran away

Your soul looked so pretty on outside

But on the inside, oh on the inside...


Missed you missed you, he asked "Can I kiss you?"

Love will always end in pain so please go get your tissues

Missed me missed me, I know that you hate me

Maybe he will love me, if I let you berate me


Missed you missed you, he asked "Can I kiss you?"

Love will always end in pain so please go get your tissues

Missed me missed me, I know that you hate me

Maybe he will love you, if I let you berate me


Can I please stay for a glass of wine?

Can I keep this book out if I pay the fine?

Her body gets weaker with the passing time

She said, "I can see my mom" as she died


I miss you so much that it fuckin' hurts

It's like I've got barbed wire in my chest comin' through my shirt

and when I hold someone it goes from my chest into theirs

Their heart, their mind, their dreams are mine


Alright (Alright)

Ten years ago I took you home

The poem that I wrote you couldn't leave my throat

Regret the day you walked away


Sorry I'm late


Be brave for me

drink up with me

smoke up with me

shoot up with me


Looked up to me.


Wild and free, feels meant to be

You know, there's towns to see and snakes in trees

With shaky knees, the ugly duckling drowned inside the stream


——————————————