• Nick Hartkop

Who am I going to be today?

By Nick Hartkop

Two sides of the same coin

One of kindness, one of anger

Who am I going to be today?

The clouds clear inside my brain

That keep the light from shining through

Angers voice is louder than loves whispers

For holes in walls to be patched up

And painted over with a smile

The same smile that turns sour when the thoughts set in

The emptiness in my brain

The words that cause pain

Two sides of the same coin

Happy and sad

Lonely and in love

I push people away who want me to stay

But I feel that something is beginning to change

My heart begins to connect with my thoughts

The good ones not the bad

Do I have thoughts that are good?

Am I a good thought?

I don’t feel like a monster

But my reflection shows a wolf

Sometimes I break glass and I cry

Sometimes I cry because I can’t figure out what to say

Sometimes I spit fire with my tongue when I think I do.

Who am I going to be today?

Two sides of the same coin

What if we can’t find each other after we die?

We will because I can feel your energy

  • Nick Hartkop

I’m going to be focusing on the positives in my life. I only have so much time in this earth and I want to make a positive impact while I’m here.

I have love in my life

I love my family

I love the way it feels when I dream

I love my home

I love myself

I love my rabbi

I love my heart

I love my life

I love being alive

I love seeing people happy

I love seeing people feel accepted

I love people

I love being in love

I love staying up late at night

I love being up when the sun rises

I love playing

I love singing

I love writing

I love the fall

I love snow

I love God

I hope God loves me

I hope there’s something when we die

I’m afraid of there being nothing

I love love

I love the way happiness feels

I miss the house I grew up in

I love feeling like I have purpose

I fear I’ll be lost forever

I want to be able to afford to take care of my family

I love to make art

I love McCafferty

I love who I am becoming

I love helping people and making people happy. I like to make music because it helps me and connects with others. I have been struggling mentally lately that has made it hard to commit to music but we record Ugly Duckling on Monday and my producer is going to start mixing it immediately so my hope is that it will be up by the end of the month. My plans for myself this year are this:

  1. Start recording new McCafferty music next week with Ugly Duckling being a single

  2. Publish my script of the film I have been writing the last two years (I’m hoping this will be done and being on the site around June)

  3. Writing a book on living with a Bipolar/BPD and growing into the person you want to be (I’m hoping to have this on the site around the fall)

I still haven’t gotten to any emails since December 1st because of my focus on treatment, but I will get back to everyone I promise. I’m really sorry and don’t want anyone to think their message has been ignored.

Something I’ve realized from the messages I receive is that there are a lot of people like me who have struggled with mental illness and not being who they should have been, but truly want to be better and live fulfilling healthy lives. It’s the reason I’m going to write a book about living with mental illness and the challenges I have had. I’m responsible for my own behavior and treatment of mental health, and I failed to do that for a long time but now in reflection I want to talk about how to live with those things and avoid the failures I have had.

I want to be a good person and have a healthy life, I want to continue to write and use my words to help people. I want to write poetry and stories and music that people connect to. I want to be good to those close to me and my family. I want to be better. I think we all want to be better in life and that’s why we never stop growing.

Sending love to everyone, and I hope you enjoy the new McCafferty songs as they start to drop. Keep an eye on the gallery starting Monday; I’ll update it with some photos from recording

Nick Hartkop

Updated: Jan 5

My rehabilitation is the most important thing in my life and I want to be a good person who is capable of healthy relationships in the workplace and with those I am close with. Over the last couple of years, I have tormented myself with the notion that I am damned forever because of my failures and afraid that I won't ever overcome them. That is something that is going to change this year. I am capable of success and being a "normal" person.

My past self was someone who would have run away from my failures and pretended they didn't happen, but my failures are what were holding me back from being the person I should have been. I still struggle with holding a job because I fear people will dislike me. I dropped out of school again last year, and I struggle with voices telling me to give up and take my own life. But my therapist and support systems have told me there needs to come a point where I start to move on in my life and show the world I am the person I say I am.

I used to think that meant I had to end McCafferty because my mind worked in absolutes, but the world doesn't work in absolutes. We all have said and done things we regret that we wish we could change, we all have fears that we won't succeed. Being in the public eye was something that started for me around the time I was 17 when I started my music. I was fortunate that as soon as I started uploading my songs, they caught on and people were listening. But I didn't understand the weight and responsibility of being a public figure, I should have, and it’s inexcusable I didn’t, but I am honest when I say I didn’t.

I sometimes wish I could go back in time and never do McCafferty because then I would have a sense of normality and privacy in my life. I dislike being in the public eye, and wish I was the person I am now when I was, but I don't have a choice anymore. McCafferty has become bigger than I ever thought it would be, and it would be easy to run away from this all and disappear, but that is not the type of person I am. I am a determined person who achieves what they set their mind to. I wanted to be famous so badly when I was a kid. I was emotionally disturbed and thought having people's unanimous approval would make me feel loved and fill the holes I had in my heart. I didn’t deserve universal love and acceptance, and I was pathetic for wanting it.

Seeking that from the general public is a mistake because people will never truly know you, and once you start having the reputation as a troublemaker or bad person, it feels impossible to overcome, but I believe that I can overcome this time in my life. My old self would make a big post quitting music and pushing it to the back of my mind only to have it haunt me and make me want to start all over again, but I am accepting McCafferty as something I must live with, and something that has been used to better myself.

It is important for me to say that I stand for what is right and good in my heart. I stand for love and acceptance and making people happy. I stand for being better than I was as a young adult. I think a lot about how my children will find McCafferty when they get older, and what I want them to find. I don't want them to find the story of a man who was a disgusting coward and never got the help he desperately needed. I want them to find it and see all the imperfections and know that it is possible to be a good person even when you have not been in your life.

I am not a bad person, but had a toxic young adulthood. This year I need to stop treating myself like I am worthless. I need to dig myself out from this grave I have put myself in and feel life again. I want to know what it feels like to be happy. I need to embrace rejection and not give up. I feel very close to giving up these days, but that’s a selfish feeling. People face issues like mine every day and live fulfilling lives, whether people like them or not. Where I used to seek acceptance from others, I now am trying to accept myself and show that even though I struggle with Borderline and Bipolar, that I was able to become a better person.

I want to be present, fight for what's right, and stand for what is good. It's hard for me to write these blogs because I feel vulnerable when I do, but even if no one sees them, it is important for my story. I pray that there will come a time in my life where I think about McCafferty as a distant memory and don’t feel like an outcast from society. I need to use the time I have left here to be a good person. I am capable of change, I am capable of love, I am capable of success, I am capable of being good and who I need to be, I am capable of healing, and I am capable of forgiving myself. I am not there yet, but this year it is my goal.

I have written a screenplay that I am going to be publishing and releasing on my site. This is my immediate goal after my album is done. It’s a 2-hour film that I have been rewriting and getting feedback from people in the entertainment industry, and I think it’s something that will connect with people. I am going to be returning to school this year, and to accept my life for what it is. I work on myself actively every day. I reflect on my failures every waking moment, but I feel as though they are consuming me and I fear I don’t have the strength to overcome them. But I can and will.

I also won’t be running away from McCafferty ever again, it will always be a part of me and after this album I will be taking a break until I feel like I want to create again.

If you are someone who has messed up your life and feels like you are stuck in darkness, I can relate to you, and it is possible for you to find happiness. It is easier to say it's possible than to actually do it, but you cannot give up. Our sins don't define us, it's what we do to correct them. Embrace failure and accept it, but don’t let it define you. I wish I could let happiness define me.

To anyone reading this who questions my integrity, please know I am not a bad person. I want to advocate for myself, but all I can do is to continue to grow privately, which I am. I have a Rabbi, Psychiatrist and Therapist who have helped change my life, and I have also found medication alongside them that works wonders for my mania. I am currently prescribed Hydroxyzine, Prazosin (twice a day), Lamotrigine, Ziprasidone (twice a day), and Quetiapine. I don’t feel foggy and my anger is gone.

I have always wanted a purpose in my life, and I am still struggling to find it. When I overdosed and went to a rehab center involuntarily, I wasn’t able to sleep and I would wake up early every day and sweep the floors because I felt like I had to do something. This year I am moving on in my life. I am moving on with my fear and regret and following my dreams of normalcy. I want to be able to hold a job, I want to be consistently stable, and I want to forgive myself. I want to be a good person and I want to forgive myself.

There is a lot of good in my life that I need to focus on as well. I have a support system of people who understand me and want to see me continue to grow into the person they see in me, and I have love that is consistent and true.

Album Update:

I have the demos for the new record and have been listening to them on repeat to make sure I am happy with them. The album has acoustic, electric, bass, drums and keyboard and I will be uploading Ugly Duckling or Liquid Courage as a single for it. I won’t be posting a blog again until the time of recording (January 17th-27th) but I will keep my gallery updated. I'm going to document the recording process with pictures from the studio and I am really looking forward to it. Recording has always been my favorite part of music and I am going to try to give these songs as much life as possible and make something that listeners deserve. I have not gotten to any messages since December 1st, so if you have sent something in, I will be getting back to you this upcoming week. If you haven’t sent something but want to, I will make sure to get back to you. The messages and dialogues I have had with people have helped me a lot and I am thankful for them. I hope everyone has a wonderful new year, and I am sending love to anyone who is struggling. See you soon

Nick Hartkop