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Since going to the mental hospital, becoming medicated and starting therapy for the last two and a half years, my BPD and Bipolar no longer have me living a destructive lifestyle where I hurt myself and the people around me. Having to live with the person I was back then is really embarrassing and hard to deal with at times. I was completely out of control and so unhappy. For example, I used to get so manic and angry that I took a hammer and smashed holes in all the walls and windows in my apartment, flipped the refrigerator, smashed my televisions, crushed my laptop, and took an entire bottle of Xanax and crashed my car. Looking back at those feelings are really scary to me because I don't display those behaviors or emotions anymore, but it's scary that they live inside me and if I'm not accountable for my mental health they could come back.
I don't feel like that person anymore though, I'm not angry anymore which was something I really struggled with. Because of the rehabilitation I have been in, I feel like even if I was unmedicated I wouldn't display those behaviors because therapy has taught me how to deal with my anger, but I will never go off medication because of how much it helps me. I still have days where I struggle. I cry for no reason, shame myself, live in my mistakes, and sometimes it's hard to function day to day. I also feel angry sometimes about everything, but my anger is controlled now and I have coping mechanisms to get through it. If I had not started treatment I would be dead right now. I was really really bad off, and it feels like I am just starting my life because of how much I have grown. It's weird to be someone in your life and then grow into a completely different person and looking back at your old self, it doesn't even feel like it's you. If that makes sense.
My therapist tells me that I need to start moving forward in my life and stop punishing myself for the failures I have had, but it's really really hard for me. I feel like a complete failure and am incredibly embarrassed. Something I have been feeling insecure about lately is how I never was able to figure out a career or hold a job. I went to college for Special education but was a terrible teacher. I learned quickly that I hated being a teacher and having to scold kids, mainly because I related to them through the struggles they were facing. I tried to go back to school last year for coding but dropped out because I was so afraid that people would judge me for my past and no one would hire me. So that was something self-destructive that I struggled with. My problem in life is that nothing interests me. I am obsessed with death and everything feels pointless to me. I love being an artist but I'm a failed artist. It feels at times that everyone hates me and that doing music is pointless, but there are people who connect with McCafferty and I am never going to stop creating. I'm going to be 50 years old writing McCafferty songs still because McCafferty is my purpose. But I'm jealous of "normal people" who work a 9-5, have normal social interactions and are fulfilled in their life. I love my life and am married to my best friend and biggest support system, but I feel unfulfilled in many other areas of my life. These are things I am trying to figure out and want to. But growth is important, and I am not the person I was 2 years ago. I learned that rehabilitation starts one day at a time. One healthy day followed by another followed by another until it becomes a pattern. I've been living safe and healthy for over two years now and I think it's important for me to acknowledge that instead of constantly telling myself I'm a failure, but who knows. All I know is I am much happier living a healthy life. Because of treatment I have been able to create a lot of positive social relationships and friends who know about my past but accept me for the person I am being and want to be.
I'm recording a new song next Friday, so I am excited to see my producer and make something awesome. My biggest question in life right now is, how do I move on from the person I was into the person I am now. How do I wake up and not instantly think about failure, how do I stop myself from feeling like I would be better off dead. Sometimes I think about that. If I kill myself all my music and blogs will just sit for people to find. But I think that ending is too sad, I don't want to die, and I don't want to be alone. I want to be good, happy, accountable and loved. I used to crave love from every person I met, but I know that's not possible and people have all the reason to dislike me. I dislike who I was an my past and agree with them. But I am going to live more of my life being the person I am rather than the person I was. I don't know, I feel like I'm rambling at this point, but I just wanted to make a blog expressing myself. Hope everyone is well
Nick