August 7th, 2021 (Rehabilitation/Mental Health: Bipolar/BPD)
I worry a lot about the exact date and time that I will die. I usually wake up in the morning wondering if today will be my last day on earth. I'm scared shitless of dying, which seems hypocritical coming from someone who has attempted suicide. I guess that made me less scared because it was my choice, but the uncertainty of death is terrifying. Last week, I was struggling with self harm, and my Rabbi came over to console me. I struggle with the concept of God. It scares me to write, but I don't think there is a god, and yet I do.
Coming from a religiously abusive home made me resent God most of my life, but I worry that if I don't believe in them, that they will damn me when I die. I try to have religion because the way I see it is, if I get on God's good side while I'm here, and they are real, then I'm safe. But if I'm like, "Fuck God" and they are real, when I die they are gonna think I'm really fucking stupid. But still, somedays it's hard not to think "Fuck God." When I see someone who is incredibly physically or mentally disabled, it makes me think it. I don't know why. It's just like, why would they let that happen? If God is real, then it's their fault. At least that's what my brain tells me.
Sometimes when I get high, I try to think about how this started. Just life, like who hit the start button? The big bang is cool and all, but who hit play on that? Whose fault is it that we all are stuck here? But that gives me hope that there is a god too. There are so many beautiful things here. I watch mountains outside my window and like how they make me feel small. I like the way it feels to hold my partner when we lay together, and feel like we are the same person. I like the way it feels when I find a note on the guitar that I can write around. If God is real, then I am thankful to them for music.
What gives me the most peace is hoping that there is nothing after we die. That it's like before we were born. We weren't mad that we weren't alive before we were born, so I'm hoping we don't know or care when we die either. But there are things here on earth that I want to experience, so I'm not ready to die. I want to know what it feels like to be happy. I am happy in moments, but in my day to day. I don't want to think about people hating me and base my worth on their opinions. I've gotten better at it, but I have absolutely no self-worth in my life. I have a fantastic support system and partner, and everyday with them is what I imagine heaven would be like, but when I'm alone with myself, I hate it. I absolutely hate myself. Most days I think about harming myself, but I don't want to stop growing and experiencing life. And what if we do die and it's all fire and brimstone and an eternity of burning? I'm not in a rush for that, I mean, I'm already there mentally, but physically I'm fine waiting. I used to never look for the good in anything, and thought the worst of the world, but I see so much good in it now.
It has been nice has been messaging people who reach out through this blog. It's comforting to know there are other people out there who have the same struggles I do, and are looking for acceptance in a world that doesn't accept them at their worst. Thank you to anyone who has reached out. My team sends me messages, so I will get back to you. It's nice sometimes to be able to converse about the struggles we face.
One of my biggest weaknesses is that I am impatient. I have a fear of being forgotten and it carries over into how I do music a lot of the time. Whenever I write a song I want to get into the studio because I have this fear that "people will stop listening to me" or that I will die before the song is recorded and I want to share my song instantly hoping it will be "the song" that connects universally. I have had a unique music career so far and am blessed that my songs have resonated with so many people, but I still feel like that insecure musician who is just writing songs for their friends, and afraid to share them with the world because rejection is hard for me.
In the stage of music I am now, I have been able to deal with that paranoia. Sometimes it feels surreal when I look at my Spotify, and see the listens that my songs get. In my past, I always felt like I needed to be front and center, in peoples constant vision so they won't forget about me. That fed my ego a lot, which coupled with my Borderline Personality Disorder was a deadly combination. I realize that the best and worst parts of McCafferty are Nick Hartkop. It's weird to refer to myself in the third person, but I think it is a good way to look at my music. I have a gift for writing, but I also have a lot of mental problems that make me unfit to be a public figure. I have been working through those problems through my rehabilitation, therapy, and medication, but even with those things I see how my public persona was obnoxious, cringey, and fake. I am thankful for the mental struggles I have because I wouldn't be able to write the way I do if I was "normal." But I still wish everyday that I was, and I work to be as normal as I can be. But ultimately, I am not a normal person and I am okay with that. The EP I'm writing is something I am using to be okay with not constantly putting something out to be relevant. I have 4 songs written for the EP so far, and it takes a lot of self control to not just record it tomorrow. But I have been writing parts for the songs and revisiting them daily. New guitar parts, new synthesizer parts, different vocal melodies, I have written all of my lyrics into a book that I review to make sure they are honest and important to me. I want to make something that I am so proud of, and it doesn't matter to me if I am forgotten. I still feel that I haven't written my best song yet, and I am trying to make that happen, at least for myself. I enjoy everything I have written, but I want to be content with where I am at with my music. I have started working with a manager and merchandising company who understand my past failures, and cancellation. It was hard for me to believe that there are people out there who still see potential and good in me, and I am at a point in my life now where I am going to do my best. I talk about it frequently, but my time I spent in rehabilitation after my suicide attempt changed my life, and it wasn't just the first time. I was hospitalized last September also for threatening to jump off my apartment complex. I was incredibly lost last year and felt like my time on this planet was over. I truly believed that my life had ended and that I should just die because no one would care anyway. It has taken my continued treatment and forced maturity (I say forced because it's fair to say if I wasn't cancelled I wouldn't have ever been the person I have grown into) to realize that the world is a place where there are people out there who are glad I am still here, and I am glad they are here too. There will be a physical run of the new EP with merchandise for the band when the time comes. My request is that everything from the run is donated to charity. I am looking into what charity to work with, as well as with my manager and company because I don't have any involvement with that side of things anymore. I don't think there is much interest in merch, so anything that will be made will be very limited. I've written a song that I personally think is the best song I have written in years, and I am going to make it the single for the EP when the time comes. When I was active on social media, I would say literally every song I was writing was my best song because I was so ego driven, but now that I am stripped of it, and the majority of people dislike me, it has allowed me to go back to that place of having nothing to do but write out my pain. No audience, no one to brag about with screenshots, no stories showing off my gear, just me and the guitar. That's how it used to be and it's helping me create some lyrics and melodies I am proud of and hurt to sing about, which is necessary to create art that connects with people. I have nothing to hide and can't pretend to be anything other than who I really am now. It sounds silly because of the public perception of me, but I care a lot about people. I try to think deeply about the world we live in and the things people go through. I want to create art that helps people. I want people to be happy. Education isn't the same for everyone, and my education came at my lowest point because I wasn't right mentally and wouldn't be educated. I am excited to be able to work with a team on this release, and I am excited to see who I end up producing this EP with, I have some hopes for it. If you've made it all the way through this blog, thanks for reading. I won't be posting daily to it, because then it becomes as bad as social media and I know that's not something I am able to have and maintain a healthy life. I will always try to get back to you if you send a message though. I value you taking the time to read this. On a final note, Trevor Moore died today, and he was one of my favorite comics growing up. He made an incredible impact on comedy and millions of people just like me adored him. He leaves behind a son and wife that will never see him or hold him again. I wonder if he ever thought about the exact date and time of his death, I think we all do. He was too young and when I heard the news I immediately thought "Fuck God." It's not fair, but life is unpredictable and unfair. All we can do is live each day to the fullest, be kind to one another, accept each other, follow our dreams, celebrate our lives, and try to change ourselves and help others change for the better. He changed mine with the countless hours I spent on YouTube as a teenager watching him. His art will live on forever. Nick