• Nick Hartkop

February 24, 2022 (Struggles/Album Update)

I've been feeling really lost in my life and having an identity crisis because I am getting older. I am at a crossroads of trying to figure out who I am as a person and what my future looks like. Do you know that feeling you get right before you fall? Like that weightless feeling in your stomach as you prepare for impact--that is what it feels like for me. It feels like I have a bunch of copper wire in my stomach that I can't untangle and my brain feels like I am a failure. I have a lot of dreams for myself as a writer and a person and I am worried I am running out of time. Sometimes I feel like my life is over and I am just wrapping up what I have left before I die.

I have been struggling with self-harm and wanting to kill myself and sometimes I feel like I have no choice but to kill myself. Like I am just surviving day to day before I finally say, "Today's the day." I get scared of being forgotten because I don't want people to forget about me because it makes me feel meaningless. I wish I could flash forward a couple years and see if I am happy and content with my life. I had an issue of sleeping all the time because I liked being in my dreams more than the crushing weight of reality, but I have been waking up earlier because I am afraid of the dark and want to be in the sun as much as possible.

I have all the blinds open in my home and sit by the window a lot because the sun makes me feel like it's not time to kill myself. The worst is when it's nighttime and I can't sleep and my partner is asleep. I usually just stare at the ceiling recounting all my failures and thinking about how much of a failure and useless I am. I wish there was a straightforward path to redemption for me so people would know I am a good person who has had a lot of external mental struggles but is good in my heart. Alongside my medication for BPD/BP and my treatment I take Prazosin for PTSD. It helps me but sometimes I feel so scared.


I have been crying a lot and want to be a strong person. But I don't know how to be strong and I feel very weak and pathetic. I don't want my life to be meaningless and to just be a cog in the machine of some company I have to work for to survive. I have never been good at work and holding a job. I had a problem of creating issues where there were none and being externally aggressive because of my own insecurities. I am such a paranoid neurotic person and used to be incredibly narcissistic. It's something I have worked on in therapy but I am still struggling with internally. I am just so afraid of being forgotten and disappearing into nothingness.


I know I want to have a family, but I still feel like I haven't accomplished what I want to as a young adult. The years have gone by so fast and I feel like I have been left behind and everyone else my age is successful with families and careers and I am still sleeping cuddling stuffed animals crying. It is a really embarrassing thing to admit but I still feel like a little kid. So I am asking the universe for the strength to be the person I want to be. I want to own the failures I have had and be the person I want to be. It has been two years of treatment that has allowed me to change as a person, but I am not the person I need to be yet. I need to be strong.

I just want to find happiness and peace and help people. I want to be a good person and live an adult life filled with purpose and love. I am a good person in my heart. I am not just a bunch of failures and hurtful words. I don't want to kill myself and I want to figure out how to stop the countdown to it. I want to have children and give them the life I wish I had growing up. I want to be strong for the people around me and I feel selfish feeling this way. I feel embarrassed of this blog because I don't feel like I am able to come across professionally today because of the struggles I am having in my head. I want to find happiness, is it possible to find happiness?


I'm recording my next song, Salish, on March 5th. Out of the 3 songs that I will have done for the album so far it is my favorite. I think it's the best song I've written in years and I am really proud of it. It makes me cry when I listen/play it and I hope it connects with anyone who listens to it. I think it has a good mixture of acoustic, drums, synth, electric guitar and horns. I hope to have it out mid-March. I have been focusing on finishing up my screenplay that I will be submitting for publication and self-publishing. It is 117 pages, so about a minute per page making it around a 2-hour film. I will be making a post dedicated to discussing it the closer it gets to release, I am on my 4th rewrite of it because I want to make sure it is the best it can be.

I hope anyone who is struggling and reads this blog knows that I understand the darkness and pain you feel. I also hope you know your life has meaning and I am glad you are here. I will continue to try to show the world I am a good person and that I have love and life to give. I know everyone wants to find happiness and I hope I find mine. I don't want to feel this way anymore.

Nick

Recent Posts

See All

I just got home from recording Snoqualmie today. It is going to be the last single before the release of the album. Trees III will be on the album, so if you've been waiting for it, it'll be available

Since going to the mental hospital, becoming medicated and starting therapy for the last two and a half years, my BPD and Bipolar no longer have me living a destructive lifestyle where I hurt myself a

I've started going through my emails and responding, but it's going to take some time. I am still only on messages from May 10th, and I am aiming to do about 20 responses a day. It takes a couple hour