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I've been feeling really lost in my life and having an identity crisis because I am getting older. I am at a crossroads of trying to figure out who I am as a person and what my future looks like. Do you know that feeling you get right before you fall? Like that weightless feeling in your stomach as you prepare for impact--that is what it feels like for me. It feels like I have a bunch of copper wire in my stomach that I can't untangle and my brain feels like I am a failure. I have a lot of dreams for myself as a writer and a person and I am worried I am running out of time. Sometimes I feel like my life is over and I am just wrapping up what I have left before I die.
I have been struggling with self-harm and wanting to kill myself and sometimes I feel like I have no choice but to kill myself. Like I am just surviving day to day before I finally say, "Today's the day." I get scared of being forgotten because I don't want people to forget about me because it makes me feel meaningless. I wish I could flash forward a couple years and see if I am happy and content with my life. I had an issue of sleeping all the time because I liked being in my dreams more than the crushing weight of reality, but I have been waking up earlier because I am afraid of the dark and want to be in the sun as much as possible.
I have all the blinds open in my home and sit by the window a lot because the sun makes me feel like it's not time to kill myself. The worst is when it's nighttime and I can't sleep and my partner is asleep. I usually just stare at the ceiling recounting all my failures and thinking about how much of a failure and useless I am. I wish there was a straightforward path to redemption for me so people would know I am a good person who has had a lot of external mental struggles but is good in my heart. Alongside my medication for BPD/BP and my treatment I take Prazosin for PTSD. It helps me but sometimes I feel so scared.
I have been crying a lot and want to be a strong person. But I don't know how to be strong and I feel very weak and pathetic. I don't want my life to be meaningless and to just be a cog in the machine of some company I have to work for to survive. I have never been good at work and holding a job. I had a problem of creating issues where there were none and being externally aggressive because of my own insecurities. I am such a paranoid neurotic person and used to be incredibly narcissistic. It's something I have worked on in therapy but I am still struggling with internally. I am just so afraid of being forgotten and disappearing into nothingness.
I know I want to have a family, but I still feel like I haven't accomplished what I want to as a young adult. The years have gone by so fast and I feel like I have been left behind and everyone else my age is successful with families and careers and I am still sleeping cuddling stuffed animals crying. It is a really embarrassing thing to admit but I still feel like a little kid. So I am asking the universe for the strength to be the person I want to be. I want to own the failures I have had and be the person I want to be. It has been two years of treatment that has allowed me to change as a person, but I am not the person I need to be yet. I need to be strong.
I just want to find happiness and peace and help people. I want to be a good person and live an adult life filled with purpose and love. I am a good person in my heart. I am not just a bunch of failures and hurtful words. I don't want to kill myself and I want to figure out how to stop the countdown to it. I want to have children and give them the life I wish I had growing up. I want to be strong for the people around me and I feel selfish feeling this way. I feel embarrassed of this blog because I don't feel like I am able to come across professionally today because of the struggles I am having in my head. I want to find happiness, is it possible to find happiness?
I'm recording my next song, Salish, on March 5th. Out of the 3 songs that I will have done for the album so far it is my favorite. I think it's the best song I've written in years and I am really proud of it. It makes me cry when I listen/play it and I hope it connects with anyone who listens to it. I think it has a good mixture of acoustic, drums, synth, electric guitar and horns. I hope to have it out mid-March. I have been focusing on finishing up my screenplay that I will be submitting for publication and self-publishing. It is 117 pages, so about a minute per page making it around a 2-hour film. I will be making a post dedicated to discussing it the closer it gets to release, I am on my 4th rewrite of it because I want to make sure it is the best it can be.
I hope anyone who is struggling and reads this blog knows that I understand the darkness and pain you feel. I also hope you know your life has meaning and I am glad you are here. I will continue to try to show the world I am a good person and that I have love and life to give. I know everyone wants to find happiness and I hope I find mine. I don't want to feel this way anymore.
Nick