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My rehabilitation is the most important thing in my life and I want to be a good person who is capable of healthy relationships in the workplace and with those I am close with. Over the last couple of years, I have tormented myself with the notion that I am damned forever because of my failures and afraid that I won't ever overcome them. That is something that is going to change this year. I am capable of success and being a "normal" person.
My past self was someone who would have run away from my failures and pretended they didn't happen, but my failures are what were holding me back from being the person I should have been. I still struggle with holding a job because I fear people will dislike me. I dropped out of school again last year, and I struggle with voices telling me to give up and take my own life. But my therapist and support systems have told me there needs to come a point where I start to move on in my life and show the world I am the person I say I am.
I used to think that meant I had to end McCafferty because my mind worked in absolutes, but the world doesn't work in absolutes. We all have said and done things we regret that we wish we could change, we all have fears that we won't succeed. Being in the public eye was something that started for me around the time I was 17 when I started my music. I was fortunate that as soon as I started uploading my songs, they caught on and people were listening. But I didn't understand the weight and responsibility of being a public figure, I should have, and it’s inexcusable I didn’t, but I am honest when I say I didn’t.
I sometimes wish I could go back in time and never do McCafferty because then I would have a sense of normality and privacy in my life. I dislike being in the public eye, and wish I was the person I am now when I was, but I don't have a choice anymore. McCafferty has become bigger than I ever thought it would be, and it would be easy to run away from this all and disappear, but that is not the type of person I am. I am a determined person who achieves what they set their mind to. I wanted to be famous so badly when I was a kid. I was emotionally disturbed and thought having people's unanimous approval would make me feel loved and fill the holes I had in my heart. I didn’t deserve universal love and acceptance, and I was pathetic for wanting it.
Seeking that from the general public is a mistake because people will never truly know you, and once you start having the reputation as a troublemaker or bad person, it feels impossible to overcome, but I believe that I can overcome this time in my life. My old self would make a big post quitting music and pushing it to the back of my mind only to have it haunt me and make me want to start all over again, but I am accepting McCafferty as something I must live with, and something that has been used to better myself.
It is important for me to say that I stand for what is right and good in my heart. I stand for love and acceptance and making people happy. I stand for being better than I was as a young adult. I think a lot about how my children will find McCafferty when they get older, and what I want them to find. I don't want them to find the story of a man who was a disgusting coward and never got the help he desperately needed. I want them to find it and see all the imperfections and know that it is possible to be a good person even when you have not been in your life.
I am not a bad person, but had a toxic young adulthood. This year I need to stop treating myself like I am worthless. I need to dig myself out from this grave I have put myself in and feel life again. I want to know what it feels like to be happy. I need to embrace rejection and not give up. I feel very close to giving up these days, but that’s a selfish feeling. People face issues like mine every day and live fulfilling lives, whether people like them or not. Where I used to seek acceptance from others, I now am trying to accept myself and show that even though I struggle with Borderline and Bipolar, that I was able to become a better person.
I want to be present, fight for what's right, and stand for what is good. It's hard for me to write these blogs because I feel vulnerable when I do, but even if no one sees them, it is important for my story. I pray that there will come a time in my life where I think about McCafferty as a distant memory and don’t feel like an outcast from society. I need to use the time I have left here to be a good person. I am capable of change, I am capable of love, I am capable of success, I am capable of being good and who I need to be, I am capable of healing, and I am capable of forgiving myself. I am not there yet, but this year it is my goal.
I have written a screenplay that I am going to be publishing and releasing on my site. This is my immediate goal after my album is done. It’s a 2-hour film that I have been rewriting and getting feedback from people in the entertainment industry, and I think it’s something that will connect with people. I am going to be returning to school this year, and to accept my life for what it is. I work on myself actively every day. I reflect on my failures every waking moment, but I feel as though they are consuming me and I fear I don’t have the strength to overcome them. But I can and will.
I also won’t be running away from McCafferty ever again, it will always be a part of me and after this album I will be taking a break until I feel like I want to create again.
If you are someone who has messed up your life and feels like you are stuck in darkness, I can relate to you, and it is possible for you to find happiness. It is easier to say it's possible than to actually do it, but you cannot give up. Our sins don't define us, it's what we do to correct them. Embrace failure and accept it, but don’t let it define you. I wish I could let happiness define me.
To anyone reading this who questions my integrity, please know I am not a bad person. I want to advocate for myself, but all I can do is to continue to grow privately, which I am. I have a Rabbi, Psychiatrist and Therapist who have helped change my life, and I have also found medication alongside them that works wonders for my mania. I am currently prescribed Hydroxyzine, Prazosin (twice a day), Lamotrigine, Ziprasidone (twice a day), and Quetiapine. I don’t feel foggy and my anger is gone.
I have always wanted a purpose in my life, and I am still struggling to find it. When I overdosed and went to a rehab center involuntarily, I wasn’t able to sleep and I would wake up early every day and sweep the floors because I felt like I had to do something. This year I am moving on in my life. I am moving on with my fear and regret and following my dreams of normalcy. I want to be able to hold a job, I want to be consistently stable, and I want to forgive myself. I want to be a good person and I want to forgive myself.
There is a lot of good in my life that I need to focus on as well. I have a support system of people who understand me and want to see me continue to grow into the person they see in me, and I have love that is consistent and true.
Album Update:
I have the demos for the new record and have been listening to them on repeat to make sure I am happy with them. The album has acoustic, electric, bass, drums and keyboard and I will be uploading Ugly Duckling or Liquid Courage as a single for it. I won’t be posting a blog again until the time of recording (January 17th-27th) but I will keep my gallery updated. I'm going to document the recording process with pictures from the studio and I am really looking forward to it. Recording has always been my favorite part of music and I am going to try to give these songs as much life as possible and make something that listeners deserve. I have not gotten to any messages since December 1st, so if you have sent something in, I will be getting back to you this upcoming week. If you haven’t sent something but want to, I will make sure to get back to you. The messages and dialogues I have had with people have helped me a lot and I am thankful for them. I hope everyone has a wonderful new year, and I am sending love to anyone who is struggling. See you soon
Nick Hartkop