• Nick Hartkop

July 16th, 2021 (Rehabilitation/Mental Health: Bipolar/BPD)

Being manic is frustrating. When I am manic, it makes me feel like I am invincible, and angry at the same time. The mania makes me feel like I can be as destructive as I want because nobody matters, which is a selfish, disgusting trait. For a long time, I let that feeling consume me, being incredibly confident led by manic highs and anger. After my mania, I usually have severe lows where I cry for hours and disassociate because that high confidence becomes low self-destruction. I used to have manic episodes where I would start festering my insecure thoughts and look for bad things people would say about me. It gave me the reassurance that I wanted to be self-destructive because nothing mattered and nobody liked me. I would then project that anger and frustration onto people. Since starting treatment and medication, I don't experience those angry manic highs, but my depressive lows remain. I was feeling low today, even with my medication, and still experience those disassociated episodes. I don't look up anything about myself anymore, as it was an obsessive behavior I had due to my fear of people not liking me, but since being cancelled it has helped forcefully correct that because I know my public persona is incredibly negative, and looking myself up is a narcissistic, unhealthy routine.

I finished writing a song I am going to keep for the EP, and am now focusing on writing an acoustic song for it. I have found a sad but catchy melody and the song reminds me of something I would have written for an old release of mine called, Japan. I am excited to keep writing and seeing what sticks. I usually just churn songs out for an EP without much shaping to them, but I want this release to be good enough that people connect with it like my old material.

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I don't listen to much pop music, but the song Spring Day by BTS is the rare case of a mainstream artist having instrumentals that really invokes beautiful imagery to me. The guitar riff on the song is moving, and even though the lyrics are in Korean, you can still feel the message because well made music is able to reach that part of us regardless of language barriers. That feeling of beauty is universal. You can check out the song here: https://open.spotify.com/track/0WNGsQ1oAuHzNTk8jivBKW?si=GXjjd5z7TsyKYLtx3Ys5kA&dl_branch=1

Nick

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