• Nick Hartkop

July 21, 2021

Today I am struggling mentally around my cancellation. I have expressed my feelings around it in my previous posts, and I accept it and it was a necessary thing to happen to me because of the opportunity for meaningful help it has given me, and the healing it has given others, but I still get overwhelmed at times.

I would be lying if I said I didn't still struggle narcissistically at times, wanting to use social media and show people, "I'm not who they say I am." But that is part of my mental illness, that I feel the need to control every aspect of my life, and staying off social media and giving up that control of my life narrative was and is difficult at times. No matter what people who dislike me post or make videos about, I am more than the person that has been buried in a digital grave online. My therapy has helped me understand the importance of being healthy and separating myself from those environments, recognizing my toxic patterns and behaviors, and staying on a path of recovery. Something that I do when I am overwhelmed by it is I take a walk. I was sedentary most of last year out of fear of people hurting me because of the threats my family and I received during my cancellation, but that was paranoia that needed time to work through. Reality is much different than the internet, but the parts of me that have caused pain to others are necessary to accept in order to grow. Having mental illness only explains a way you react to something and your behaviors but it does not excuse them. I used to use my mental illness as an excuse. Having Borderline Personality Disorder creates these graphic images of me imagining people celebrating my downfall. I don't look at anything regarding myself, but I know how cancellation works, and see it happen to other people. When I think of it, I feel this narcissistic hot energy swarm my body, and I become feral, feeling like I want to prove myself to people that I am more than my past, but that's not who I am anymore. I'm not more than my past, it is part of me. I accept my cancellation, and am thankful for all the changes it has caused. I'm not an angry person anymore, just scared. I don't make horrific jokes, that behavior was forcibly corrected, I don't verbally abuse people. My cancellation alone didn't fix those things, but rather the help I received after it happened. Lots of people are cancelled and I see this trend of trying to prove people wrong and that you don't deserve to be cancelled, but you aren't cancelled unless you are a bad person. Is it life ruining and embarrassing? Yes, it's designed to do that because it is meant to be a reflection of your own behavior and how it makes others feel. I think making videos and begging people to see you as who you want them to see, not who you are/have been is the furthest thing from growth. When you are cancelled, you don't die. It's more like being cast out of society and figuring out if you will be allowed back in. My digital track record online says I never will, but if I were to just give up on becoming who I want to be, what would the point be of it? I'm not going to kill myself. I tried that when it happened and spent a week in the hospital I don't even remember from my OD, then being transferred to a rehabilitation center as involuntary (meaning I wasn't allowed to leave on my own accord, I had to have a doctor approve a psychiatric evaluation before I could). When I was in the hospital, my room had a tiny bed against a window with bars on it, and I remember reading autobiographies of people I looked up to and putting my feet on the window as I laid upside down on the bed. I remember the cool feeling of the rain on it, and looking out at the cars passing by. I would always think about how there were so many people out there living normal lives, and I was in there because I wasn't. I was sick, and needed help. I am really happy I was sent there, and I am happy with my life now. In a way, I feel like I have nothing to lose anymore because people will see me as they want. This blog will never get as much attention as those documents and videos, but they are important to me because they allow for me to have a voice. I am a writer, and I have this need for my words to be seen, so I am happy that I was able to work with my team to create it. If you are reading this and just found the band, Google me. Do your research and determine my worth. I have a past, and I had behaviors that needed to end. It's been a year and a half since I was cancelled. I know that doesn't feel like a long time to some people, but if you live to 100 (Which realistically no one does) it's over a percentage of your life. I don't want to waste any more percentages of my life being the person I was. I used to have a plan to kill myself by 30, but now I hope that I am in a place by then where I can be proud of myself. McCafferty is about imperfections and my growth. Even writing this post helps my head feel less cloudy, and I will be taking a walk today. I always talked it up like I was wise when I actually felt useless, but being cancelled and the treatment it has led to has given me a lot of education about the world, something I desperately needed. I'm thankful for that. On a music related note, my drummer is performing in Ireland right now and will be back this fall, but I have sent him the official demo for the single I have written for the EP this fall. I will be unveiling the art and name soon, and am looking forward to sharing it with you. I think I have always written my best when I feel manic or low, and I have been using that for this collection of songs. The songs on the EP are much more crafted then the demos I have released recently (Witchcraft, If I Saw Him, Queerball). I wrote those as one-off songs that I figured I would put up because it doesn't matter. I am glad people have been enjoying them, but I feel I can do better. I am using that drive to push myself. I've never written over a long duration of time, and I have until the fall to perfect these songs. I am going to be taking a few days off from posting but will always answer any emails my team receives. Feel free to reach out. Thank you for listening and reading this post. Nick ---------------- Smokepurpp is a pretty awful artist, but the song Fishscale has one of the coolest beats I've heard, it's made from amp distortion which has a cool energy. You can check it out here: https://open.spotify.com/track/5nmxRMHYkmrHuv3eoWnNZk?si=cWE394HDR0eMr48lCIjQmA&dl_branch=1

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