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Since starting treatment over two years ago I have been able to overcome many of the daily struggles I faced. Verbal abuse, smashing technology, threatening suicide to control those around me, physical altercations, emotionally disturbed sense of humor at other people's expense, my misogynistic language, my repressed sexuality, my anger and my hatred, but something I haven't been able to treat is the shame and regret I feel for my past. It is holding me back from moving on in my life because I feel like those things define me. I want to be a good person and I have had the education and therapy to stand for what is right in the world and I feel like a good person in my heart, but I also feel like a bad person because of who I was in my past. I feel like if I try to move on from who I was without the constant reflection, that I truly haven't gotten better, but I don't want to continue to live in the mindset that I am not allowed to move on because people will think I am faking my treatment which goes to show that I still care so much what people think about me when I shouldn't. I think it's because I crave the validation that I am good and forgiven for my past, but someone wise told me that forgiveness is earned but not always given and that's hard for me because I regret the external struggles I have had and for hurting people and myself. I think it is possible for people who have been bad in their life to become good, and treating my BPD/BP has allowed for me to have healthy relationships and be a good person, but I wish I had always been this way. I hope that I am able to find peace and accept my failures someday and it is something I am actively working towards.
I went into Downtown Seattle this weekend and saw a sports car in front of a homeless camp. It bothered me deeply and I can't stop thinking about the symbolism it stands for. Someone driving past people living on the streets in an overpriced vehicle. It made me reflect on who I am as a person and how I can help those in need around me. I have been blessed with the gift of using my words and voice to connect with people and I don't want to waste that. I hope I am able to use that gift to help people all my life.
I am hoping that this is the last blog I post about my regrets and truly start to move forward in my life and not constantly think about my failures because it is hindering my growth. Life is about moving forward in a positive way and growing everyday into the person we need to be and want to be, and I want to be a good person. I think maybe I keep saying that because if I do I'll truly believe it, but what I can do is follow my words with my actions. It is okay to have failed in our lives, but what's not okay is no longer growing and being the best versions of ourselves. I won't give up on being a good person and helping people and myself.
I am so insecure about everything that is me and I don't want to be anymore. I want to be good, I want to be loved, I want to be forgiven, I want to be accepted, I want to show acceptance, I want to show love, I want to be the best version of myself. To anyone who is struggling with the failures in your life, know that you are capable of being whoever you want to be and capable of being the best version of yourself.
Today is the day I start to move forward and not allow my regret and shame define me, even if that is easier said than done.
Nick