November 21, 2021 (Reflection)

I wonder what happens after we die, and I wonder what my first words will be. We have first words after birth, so I suspect we have first words after death as well. When we die, do we meet our maker and have a one-on-one conversation? I think my first words would be “I’m sorry” because I’m terrified of death (as most are).

I feel like I will apologize to whoever I meet on the other side because I fear religion and I fear the wrath of God (if there is one). I used to want there to be nothing because I’m scared, and thought if there was nothing I wouldn’t miss or lose anything. But I don’t want to forget about the things I love here on earth, and I don’t want them to forget about me.

I want to be able to miss earth and the things I love. I hope there is something, and I hope it’s something that continues on from here. I’m trying to figure out who I am, and to follow a path of continual growth, so I want that to stay with me through death. But why are humans so special that we get something eternal and joyful after we die? What makes us so special?

I always figured there was nothing because we live in a world of reality, not fantasy, but in a lot of ways this world is fantasy if you think about it. We live on a giant rock that’s floating in space, which we have little to no idea about. Space itself is fantasy, and it makes no sense how it started.

But I do feel a soul in my body. I feel something that lives inside me and to the person reading, you feel that too. It’s something deep in our hearts, and I do believe it’s a soul. Something that will travel after we die.

I hope death isn’t scary, and that it's something I can accept because I don’t want to be forgotten, but dying is natural, we all do it. It is hard to wrap my head around it sometimes. Every single person on this planet right now will die. It’s terrifying. But it makes me want to live my life to the fullest and to pay careful attention to the smallest details that stick with me forever.

Holding hands on a walk, the way my partner feels as we fall asleep, the smell of fall air, the feel of the cool right before rainfall. The way trees look as they lose their leaves. I love so much about this place, and I hope after death I can remember it. Even if I can’t ever feel it again. I want to be a good person so I can look back at my life after I die and be content.

Nick