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I finished writing SWY. The release is 8 songs, and recording begins exactly a month from today.
I am continuing ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) and CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) this week with my therapist, and I am excited but nervous. It’s a full-time commitment and I’m glad because I want to develop self-worth and find peace in my life, as well as becoming a stable functioning member of society. I've been to multiple therapists and psychologists over the last 2 years, and struggled to find someone who understands my BPD/BP, but I have a team that I connect with, and treatment to help develop coping mechanisms on how to move on and to live a fulfilling life. SWY is my most lyrically dense album since my older material and I am proud of it. It’s sad but fun, and means a lot to me. I channeled the lyrical content that I felt like I lost to my mental illness over the years. Because of my Borderline Personality Disorder/Bipolar, I struggle with self-worth, narcissistic thoughts, anger, paranoia, waves of mania, and have never had a stable relationship in my life professionally or otherwise. The last two years I have been hospitalized, and struggled to not let my BPD/BP consume me. I feel ashamed of my life and I feel like I don’t deserve to live a happy life. There was a night last year, where I tied a noose out of a belt while my partner was asleep. I put it around my neck to hang myself on the bathroom door. I tested it to see how it would feel, and I remember the pressure on my neck, and feeling lost and scared. I didn’t want my body to be found like that. I don’t want my life to end like that. There is more to my life than the way I felt in that moment, and the way I feel now. It would be a waste of my life to kill myself. I can’t have my story end that way. I want to be a stable person who can look back at this time in my life and see genuine, life changing growth. I am afraid of being forgotten. I am afraid of being alone. I am afraid of hating myself, and I’m afraid to love myself because I feel like I don’t deserve it. I want this despair I feel in my heart to go away. I need to be the person I wanted to be growing up. I don’t want to be lost anymore. I want to be loved and accepted. I want to love the way I feel love in my heart. I want to be free of the mental illness I have. I want my children to love me. I want to be someone who deserves happiness. To anyone who reads this blog and has kept up with it over the last few months, thank you. I’ll start updating about the album again around December 7th during the recording process, but until then my treatment is my priority because it’s what helps me be who I want to be and need to be. If you haven’t, check out my other blogs, they will give you insight into who I am as a person, and the struggles I face mentally. I am thankful for McCafferty and it’s journey. I want to make my family proud, and I want to be deserving of love. I’m thankful for my BPD/BP and the creativity it has given me, even with the detriment that has come with it. I have to keep focused on the future and not ruminate in the past. But it's important to use the past to shape my future. I am thankful for the love and support I have in my home. I am more than my mental illness, and I am more than the failures I’ve had in my life.
I am excited to record and help produce this album. Looking forward to December. Even though I'm taking a break to focus on my treatment, I'll try to get back to those who have messaged. Nick
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(Tracklist is subject to change, but I'm pretty happy with it right now)
