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Today has been a good day, and I am focusing on being confident in my future and happiness. It has been cold and rainy here the last couple days, which is my favorite weather. We are going to go out and go on a walk later, and I am excited.
I have been thinking about how I am getting older. I still feel young in my chest and heart, but time keeps passing so quickly.
I wonder what my children will think of McCafferty. That's a really weird thing to write considering I started it as a child. Initially, I feel like it's something I would like to keep from them because of how intense the lyrical content is, but inevitably they will find out (I have a McCafferty tattoo on my left arm that I don't plan on covering up) but I hope that it will help them feel like they can connect to me and share anything that is going on with them and their development.
Growing up, I always wanted to have a parent I felt a connection with. To this day, I feel like I have no idea who my father is, and because of my mother's mental illness and abusive Christian ideologies I was never able to talk to anyone about the things I struggled with and I internalized a lot of it which was unhealthy and unsafe. I don't want my kids to feel like that, and I want them to know that no matter who they are, they will always be celebrated, and that they aren't alone in the struggles they may face, no matter what those struggles are. I think having a home that you feel safe, secure and love in are essential for happiness, yet seems hard to obtain.
It'll definitely be weird considering half my songs are me screaming the F-word, but that's how I felt inside, and maybe they will feel that way too. Hopefully like most kids with their parents, they will think it's lame and that'll be that.
I have been finishing up Trees III the last couple days, it should be the last song I write for the LP. I need to go back through my demos and dissect the songs and their parts so I am ready to hit the studio in December, and I plan to use all of November to rehearse the songs before I start recording. I have 7 songs that I am going to be using on the record, and I would like to have 8 songs if possible, but Trees III is taking a long time. I have most of it written but it's going to be the last in the Trees Series (as I would put it) , so I want to make sure I make it feel grandiose and final.
Something that I have struggled with regarding McCafferty is closure, and I am hoping this record gives me that. I have tried to step away from my music so many times throughout the years, but there was always something calling me back because I felt unfulfilled or satisfied with it. Because of where I am in my life and treatment, I want this record to give me fulfillment and closure, and allow for me to start the next chapter in my life. I want to be a father, a writer, and follow other dreams I have alongside McCafferty.
I just want to be able to take a step back and look at it all and feel like, "Yeah you did it. You made what you wanted, met your soulmate through this, received the help you needed because of this thing, and now you can rest." and I want to be able to listen to my music in 20 years and remember what it was like to want what I have now. I feel a lot of accomplishment with my music and what I have been able to do, I just want to feel like I've tried my best and that I am finally done.
I want to think of how I used to sit in the dark in that room in the basement where I lived listening to demos on my phone before I had anyone listening, and think of where those words took me. Of how they changed my life, and of how I changed my own life by baring my soul and my disturbances. I love McCafferty so much. If I hadn't started it I would still be in that dark basement, dreaming of running away. I think I will always write McCafferty songs, but I hope the pain I feel in my brain and heart ease with time, and that I continue to grow and be proud of who I am.
Nick