• Nick Hartkop

September 29, 2021 (Rehabilitation: BPD)

I was nervous today because I had a meeting with a new psychiatrist. I am looking to have a meaningful long term medication manager, and I haven’t found someone I feel entirely comfortable with, even over a year and a half into treatment. I have anxiety surrounding meeting a new doctor because when you have your initial meeting I have to talk about myself, my struggles, and my life. I really don’t like talking about my struggles or my life out loud because I am paranoid the doctor will not like me or think I am “crazy.” When I tell my story and struggles, I always study the doctor's face and eyes to see how they react. When I describe my anger, do they raise their eyebrows and look shocked? When I talk about my thoughts, do they seem uncomfortable? I’ve had some doctors I didn’t feel comfortable sharing my story with, and today I was hoping to set up a relationship with someone who specializes in BPD and BP. My meeting was at 11:30 and I was there early because I was nervous. I didn’t sleep last night because I got so scared of the mental image of me sitting with the psychiatrist and telling my story and them not understanding. I’ve gotten so upset before that I’ve walked out of meetings. Unfortunately today the doctor forgot about my appointment and I waited until 12. I called the office multiple times, and left messages, but they never got back to me. I was really upset when I left a message for them explaining I was waiting and very nervous, and I ended it by saying “thanks for nothing.” I felt embarrassed and regretful when I said it because it was inappropriate, and I was overwhelmed and frustrated and felt like I was disposable to them because I made the appointment 3 weeks ago and have been in frequent communication. They got back to me after my message and said they had a “scheduling conflict”, which I absolutely understand, but sitting in the meeting just waiting really got to me, and I over reacted. I told them I wasn’t interested in seeing them anymore because I felt disrespected that they didn’t even text me or let me know there was an issue and that I had been waiting for 30 minutes. I wish I hadn’t told them thanks for nothing, and I scheduled a meeting with another psychiatrist. I am sad that I wasn’t able to meet with them today, and that I was overwhelmed so easily. It was immature and wrong of me to say “thanks for nothing.” I said it because I wasn’t going to pursue a relationship with that psychiatrist, and that still falls into an inappropriate dissolving of a relationship because I know I won't be pursuing it. It was the wrong thing to say, and I regret it. I feel like a failure for saying it. I was putting a lot of pressure on the meeting because I have been feeling like my medication is not strong enough for my mania. I have been struggling with functioning day to day, and have been having anger and sadness that are debilitating to me and my home. I have days that are better than others, but I want to be a fully functioning member of society, and I'm not there yet. I am still facing challenges with delusional thoughts. and I want to continue working on them. I need to get out of my head and start being happy. Lately I’ve been going to bed and feeling like “you’ll get it tomorrow. Tomorrow will be the day you wake up and live like you aren’t wasting time.” But then the day comes and I wake up and am still paranoid, angry, anxiety stricken, manic and miserable. But I don’t want to be, and I shouldn't be. I have a lot of good things in my day to day, but I feel this weird dissociation that’s started in my life where I don’t feel like I am living in the moment. It's something I struggle with, especially when I go out. I don't feel like I am really in my body, and I have trained myself to go on autopilot. For example we went to Target to pick up some groceries, and the entire time I just sort of put my airpods in, and let myself sit back while just going through the motions. Emily will be talking to me and I will be completely zoned out, scanning my surroundings making sure there isn't an active shooter. It's something that I am so paranoid about and I can't go out because of it. I struggle with being in the moment because I am in a constant fight or flight state, and I feel like I miss being in reality with my partner. I'm not going to waste any more days living "outside my body." I sometimes wonder that once this point in my life passes, and I have lived more years healthy than I have ill, will I think all my worrying was silly? Will I think all these posts and sleepless nights weren't worth it because everything passes? I don't think I will because they are a defining part of my growth and transition into adulthood, but I wonder how I will feel about it. That's to say if I even live to be old, I used to think 28 was ancient, but time passed so quickly that I feel young. I hope I live to be at least 60. I think If I can fix myself and continue to live like this for the next 30 years, I can die happy. But the world is cruel, so I need to start being in the moment, and being happy. I can still feel the happy person I was as a kid in my heart, and I hope I can find them again and bring them out. I can still feel the way I felt when I was a kid and felt invincible at times. Just that feeling of endless possibilities and excitement for life. I'm gonna continue to focus on that feeling.

On a positive note, I did reschedule with the same psychiatrist because I want to create that meaningful relationship, and it is okay that they forgot. I need to work on creating and keeping healthy relationships and I want to work with them still. I am looking forward to it

Nick




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