March 30, 2022 (My Chemical Romance Radio)

My Chemical Romance has forever been my favorite band (tied with The Killers and Blink-182) and the biggest accomplishment I have had in music is being added to their Spotify Radio. It is really surreal to me that my music has traveled so much that I am now related to and part of my favorite artist's page. I don't have many things I am proud of regarding my music, but this is something I will never forget and am incredibly thankful for. It's crazy that out of all the bands in the world mine made it to their rotation. I want to thank everyone who listens and connects with the music.

I haven’t gotten to any emails since the start of March so if you have sent something in, I will get back to you. I have been focusing on my therapy and have started new antidepressants alongside antipsychotics and it's been something I am adjusting to. I am thankful for the love and support of my family and other people who listen and I promise not to let anyone down with my treatment. I am still really afraid of being forgotten and am incredibly insecure and regretful of my failures, but I am trying to start to move on with my life and not focus on them all day everyday. I wish I could go back in time and not hurt people and myself and I am thankful for my treatment and being able to get help to finally be the person I should be and want to be. I wish I didn't have this desire to be liked by everyone because it's pathetic and impossible to achieve, but I hope that before I die people can see that I truly have changed and am a good person.

Nick

--------------

March 23, 2022 (Reflection)

Since starting treatment over two years ago I have been able to overcome many of the daily struggles I faced. Verbal abuse, smashing technology, threatening suicide to control those around me, physical altercations, emotionally disturbed sense of humor at other people's expense, my misogynistic language, my repressed sexuality, my anger and my hatred, but something I haven't been able to treat is the shame and regret I feel for my past. It is holding me back from moving on in my life because I feel like those things define me. I want to be a good person and I have had the education and therapy to stand for what is right in the world and I feel like a good person in my heart, but I also feel like a bad person because of who I was in my past. I feel like if I try to move on from who I was without the constant reflection, that I truly haven't gotten better, but I don't want to continue to live in the mindset that I am not allowed to move on because people will think I am faking my treatment which goes to show that I still care so much what people think about me when I shouldn't. I think it's because I crave the validation that I am good and forgiven for my past, but someone wise told me that forgiveness is earned but not always given and that's hard for me because I regret the external struggles I have had and for hurting people and myself. I think it is possible for people who have been bad in their life to become good, and treating my BPD/BP has allowed for me to have healthy relationships and be a good person, but I wish I had always been this way. I hope that I am able to find peace and accept my failures someday and it is something I am actively working towards.

I went into Downtown Seattle this weekend and saw a sports car in front of a homeless camp. It bothered me deeply and I can't stop thinking about the symbolism it stands for. Someone driving past people living on the streets in an overpriced vehicle. It made me reflect on who I am as a person and how I can help those in need around me. I have been blessed with the gift of using my words and voice to connect with people and I don't want to waste that. I hope I am able to use that gift to help people all my life.

I am hoping that this is the last blog I post about my regrets and truly start to move forward in my life and not constantly think about my failures because it is hindering my growth. Life is about moving forward in a positive way and growing everyday into the person we need to be and want to be, and I want to be a good person. I think maybe I keep saying that because if I do I'll truly believe it, but what I can do is follow my words with my actions. It is okay to have failed in our lives, but what's not okay is no longer growing and being the best versions of ourselves. I won't give up on being a good person and helping people and myself.

I am so insecure about everything that is me and I don't want to be anymore. I want to be good, I want to be loved, I want to be forgiven, I want to be accepted, I want to show acceptance, I want to show love, I want to be the best version of myself. To anyone who is struggling with the failures in your life, know that you are capable of being whoever you want to be and capable of being the best version of yourself.

Today is the day I start to move forward and not allow my regret and shame define me, even if that is easier said than done.

Nick

March 22, 2022 (The Power of Love)

The power of love is the most powerful force in the universe, but feels hard to find. We crave it but fear we will never feel it. I feared I would never feel it. I never felt it from my parents, from myself, from my relationships, but I feel it now. I feel its power and what it can conquer. It conquers anger, shame, loneliness, pain and want. How do I demonstrate love? Love that’s more powerful than anything else? It takes all parts of ourselves. Our bodies, minds, and spirits. The energy from the universe. The love we crave when we lay alone at night in our beds staring at the ceiling, wishing to be held.

True love is rare, and it takes dedication and sacrifice. When I was a child, I would lay and hold a stuffed wolf into my chest because I wanted to hold and love something, and now I do that to my partner. The person who hasn’t given up on me and in my lowest moments showed me guidance, education and acceptance, even when I didn’t deserve it.

Love is lying next to someone in their hospital bed, love is rubbing their back while they puke from chemotherapy, love is crying together and laughing together, love is counting the stars together and dreaming together, love is listening to music in silence together in a car, love is holding back tears when you say goodbye and crying when you see each other again, love is a feeling and a smell and a touch and a part of yourself, love is more powerful than pain, love is pain, love is watching your partner sleep, love is holding hands, love is confusing, love is complicated, love is healing, love is everything you want and everything you need, love is saying you are sorry, love is forgiving one another, love is acceptance, love is beautiful.

I am in love and it is beautiful.

Nick