August 7th, 2021 (Rehabilitation/Mental Health: Bipolar/BPD)

I worry a lot about the exact date and time that I will die. I usually wake up in the morning wondering if today will be my last day on earth. I'm scared shitless of dying, which seems hypocritical coming from someone who has attempted suicide. I guess that made me less scared because it was my choice, but the uncertainty of death is terrifying. Last week, I was struggling with self harm, and my Rabbi came over to console me. I struggle with the concept of God. It scares me to write, but I don't think there is a god, and yet I do.

Coming from a religiously abusive home made me resent God most of my life, but I worry that if I don't believe in them, that they will damn me when I die. I try to have religion because the way I see it is, if I get on God's good side while I'm here, and they are real, then I'm safe. But if I'm like, "Fuck God" and they are real, when I die they are gonna think I'm really fucking stupid. But still, somedays it's hard not to think "Fuck God." When I see someone who is incredibly physically or mentally disabled, it makes me think it. I don't know why. It's just like, why would they let that happen? If God is real, then it's their fault. At least that's what my brain tells me.

Sometimes when I get high, I try to think about how this started. Just life, like who hit the start button? The big bang is cool and all, but who hit play on that? Whose fault is it that we all are stuck here? But that gives me hope that there is a god too. There are so many beautiful things here. I watch mountains outside my window and like how they make me feel small. I like the way it feels to hold my partner when we lay together, and feel like we are the same person. I like the way it feels when I find a note on the guitar that I can write around. If God is real, then I am thankful to them for music.

What gives me the most peace is hoping that there is nothing after we die. That it's like before we were born. We weren't mad that we weren't alive before we were born, so I'm hoping we don't know or care when we die either. But there are things here on earth that I want to experience, so I'm not ready to die. I want to know what it feels like to be happy. I am happy in moments, but in my day to day. I don't want to think about people hating me and base my worth on their opinions. I've gotten better at it, but I have absolutely no self-worth in my life. I have a fantastic support system and partner, and everyday with them is what I imagine heaven would be like, but when I'm alone with myself, I hate it. I absolutely hate myself. Most days I think about harming myself, but I don't want to stop growing and experiencing life. And what if we do die and it's all fire and brimstone and an eternity of burning? I'm not in a rush for that, I mean, I'm already there mentally, but physically I'm fine waiting. I used to never look for the good in anything, and thought the worst of the world, but I see so much good in it now.

It has been nice has been messaging people who reach out through this blog. It's comforting to know there are other people out there who have the same struggles I do, and are looking for acceptance in a world that doesn't accept them at their worst. Thank you to anyone who has reached out. My team sends me messages, so I will get back to you. It's nice sometimes to be able to converse about the struggles we face.

One of my biggest weaknesses is that I am impatient. I have a fear of being forgotten and it carries over into how I do music a lot of the time. Whenever I write a song I want to get into the studio because I have this fear that "people will stop listening to me" or that I will die before the song is recorded and I want to share my song instantly hoping it will be "the song" that connects universally. I have had a unique music career so far and am blessed that my songs have resonated with so many people, but I still feel like that insecure musician who is just writing songs for their friends, and afraid to share them with the world because rejection is hard for me.

In the stage of music I am now, I have been able to deal with that paranoia. Sometimes it feels surreal when I look at my Spotify, and see the listens that my songs get. In my past, I always felt like I needed to be front and center, in peoples constant vision so they won't forget about me. That fed my ego a lot, which coupled with my Borderline Personality Disorder was a deadly combination. I realize that the best and worst parts of McCafferty are Nick Hartkop. It's weird to refer to myself in the third person, but I think it is a good way to look at my music. I have a gift for writing, but I also have a lot of mental problems that make me unfit to be a public figure. I have been working through those problems through my rehabilitation, therapy, and medication, but even with those things I see how my public persona was obnoxious, cringey, and fake. I am thankful for the mental struggles I have because I wouldn't be able to write the way I do if I was "normal." But I still wish everyday that I was, and I work to be as normal as I can be. But ultimately, I am not a normal person and I am okay with that. The EP I'm writing is something I am using to be okay with not constantly putting something out to be relevant. I have 4 songs written for the EP so far, and it takes a lot of self control to not just record it tomorrow. But I have been writing parts for the songs and revisiting them daily. New guitar parts, new synthesizer parts, different vocal melodies, I have written all of my lyrics into a book that I review to make sure they are honest and important to me. I want to make something that I am so proud of, and it doesn't matter to me if I am forgotten. I still feel that I haven't written my best song yet, and I am trying to make that happen, at least for myself. I enjoy everything I have written, but I want to be content with where I am at with my music. I have started working with a manager and merchandising company who understand my past failures, and cancellation. It was hard for me to believe that there are people out there who still see potential and good in me, and I am at a point in my life now where I am going to do my best. I talk about it frequently, but my time I spent in rehabilitation after my suicide attempt changed my life, and it wasn't just the first time. I was hospitalized last September also for threatening to jump off my apartment complex. I was incredibly lost last year and felt like my time on this planet was over. I truly believed that my life had ended and that I should just die because no one would care anyway. It has taken my continued treatment and forced maturity (I say forced because it's fair to say if I wasn't cancelled I wouldn't have ever been the person I have grown into) to realize that the world is a place where there are people out there who are glad I am still here, and I am glad they are here too. There will be a physical run of the new EP with merchandise for the band when the time comes. My request is that everything from the run is donated to charity. I am looking into what charity to work with, as well as with my manager and company because I don't have any involvement with that side of things anymore. I don't think there is much interest in merch, so anything that will be made will be very limited. I've written a song that I personally think is the best song I have written in years, and I am going to make it the single for the EP when the time comes. When I was active on social media, I would say literally every song I was writing was my best song because I was so ego driven, but now that I am stripped of it, and the majority of people dislike me, it has allowed me to go back to that place of having nothing to do but write out my pain. No audience, no one to brag about with screenshots, no stories showing off my gear, just me and the guitar. That's how it used to be and it's helping me create some lyrics and melodies I am proud of and hurt to sing about, which is necessary to create art that connects with people. I have nothing to hide and can't pretend to be anything other than who I really am now. It sounds silly because of the public perception of me, but I care a lot about people. I try to think deeply about the world we live in and the things people go through. I want to create art that helps people. I want people to be happy. Education isn't the same for everyone, and my education came at my lowest point because I wasn't right mentally and wouldn't be educated. I am excited to be able to work with a team on this release, and I am excited to see who I end up producing this EP with, I have some hopes for it. If you've made it all the way through this blog, thanks for reading. I won't be posting daily to it, because then it becomes as bad as social media and I know that's not something I am able to have and maintain a healthy life. I will always try to get back to you if you send a message though. I value you taking the time to read this. On a final note, Trevor Moore died today, and he was one of my favorite comics growing up. He made an incredible impact on comedy and millions of people just like me adored him. He leaves behind a son and wife that will never see him or hold him again. I wonder if he ever thought about the exact date and time of his death, I think we all do. He was too young and when I heard the news I immediately thought "Fuck God." It's not fair, but life is unpredictable and unfair. All we can do is live each day to the fullest, be kind to one another, accept each other, follow our dreams, celebrate our lives, and try to change ourselves and help others change for the better. He changed mine with the countless hours I spent on YouTube as a teenager watching him. His art will live on forever. Nick

July 21, 2021 (Rehabilitation)

Today I am struggling mentally around my cancellation. I have expressed my feelings around it in my previous posts, and I accept it and it was a necessary thing to happen to me because of the opportunity for meaningful help it has given me, and the healing it has given others, but I still get overwhelmed at times.

I would be lying if I said I didn't still struggle narcissistically at times, wanting to use social media and show people, "I'm not who they say I am." But that is part of my mental illness, that I feel the need to control every aspect of my life, and staying off social media and giving up that control of my life narrative was and is difficult at times. No matter what people who dislike me post or make videos about, I am more than the person that has been buried in a digital grave online. My therapy has helped me understand the importance of being healthy and separating myself from those environments, recognizing my toxic patterns and behaviors, and staying on a path of recovery. Something that I do when I am overwhelmed by it is I take a walk. I was sedentary most of last year out of fear of people hurting me because of the threats my family and I received during my cancellation, but that was paranoia that needed time to work through. Reality is much different than the internet, but the parts of me that have caused pain to others are necessary to accept in order to grow. Having mental illness only explains a way you react to something and your behaviors but it does not excuse them. I used to use my mental illness as an excuse. Having Borderline Personality Disorder creates these graphic images of me imagining people celebrating my downfall. I don't look at anything regarding myself, but I know how cancellation works, and see it happen to other people. When I think of it, I feel this narcissistic hot energy swarm my body, and I become feral, feeling like I want to prove myself to people that I am more than my past, but that's not who I am anymore. I'm not more than my past, it is part of me. I accept my cancellation, and am thankful for all the changes it has caused. I'm not an angry person anymore, just scared. I don't make horrific jokes, that behavior was forcibly corrected, I don't verbally abuse people. My cancellation alone didn't fix those things, but rather the help I received after it happened. Lots of people are cancelled and I see this trend of trying to prove people wrong and that you don't deserve to be cancelled, but you aren't cancelled unless you are a bad person. Is it life ruining and embarrassing? Yes, it's designed to do that because it is meant to be a reflection of your own behavior and how it makes others feel. I think making videos and begging people to see you as who you want them to see, not who you are/have been is the furthest thing from growth. When you are cancelled, you don't die. It's more like being cast out of society and figuring out if you will be allowed back in. My digital track record online says I never will, but if I were to just give up on becoming who I want to be, what would the point be of it? I'm not going to kill myself. I tried that when it happened and spent a week in the hospital I don't even remember from my OD, then being transferred to a rehabilitation center as involuntary (meaning I wasn't allowed to leave on my own accord, I had to have a doctor approve a psychiatric evaluation before I could). When I was in the hospital, my room had a tiny bed against a window with bars on it, and I remember reading autobiographies of people I looked up to and putting my feet on the window as I laid upside down on the bed. I remember the cool feeling of the rain on it, and looking out at the cars passing by. I would always think about how there were so many people out there living normal lives, and I was in there because I wasn't. I was sick, and needed help. I am really happy I was sent there, and I am happy with my life now. In a way, I feel like I have nothing to lose anymore because people will see me as they want. This blog will never get as much attention as those documents and videos, but they are important to me because they allow for me to have a voice. I am a writer, and I have this need for my words to be seen, so I am happy that I was able to work with my team to create it. If you are reading this and just found the band, Google me. Do your research and determine my worth. I have a past, and I had behaviors that needed to end. It's been a year and a half since I was cancelled. I know that doesn't feel like a long time to some people, but if you live to 100 (Which realistically no one does) it's over a percentage of your life. I don't want to waste any more percentages of my life being the person I was. I used to have a plan to kill myself by 30, but now I hope that I am in a place by then where I can be proud of myself. McCafferty is about imperfections and my growth. Even writing this post helps my head feel less cloudy, and I will be taking a walk today. I always talked it up like I was wise when I actually felt useless, but being cancelled and the treatment it has led to has given me a lot of education about the world, something I desperately needed. I'm thankful for that. On a music related note, I will be unveiling the art and name of the new EP/album soon, and am looking forward to sharing it with you. I think I have always written my best when I feel manic or low, and I have been using that for this collection of songs. The songs on the EP are much more crafted then the demos I have released recently (Witchcraft, If I Saw Him, Queerball). I wrote those as one-off songs that I figured I would put up because it doesn't matter. I am glad people have been enjoying them, but I feel I can do better. I am using that drive to push myself. I've never written over a long duration of time, and I have until the fall to perfect these songs. I am going to be taking a few days off from posting but will always answer any emails my team receives. Feel free to reach out. Thank you for listening and reading this post. Nick ---------------- Smokepurpp is a pretty awful artist, but the song Fishscale has one of the coolest beats I've heard, it's made from amp distortion which has a cool energy. You can check it out here: https://open.spotify.com/track/5nmxRMHYkmrHuv3eoWnNZk?si=cWE394HDR0eMr48lCIjQmA&dl_branch=1

July 20th, 2021 (Rehabilitation)

I am writing on some basic gear that I enjoy for this album. A fender Strat, Orange Crush 20, a Boss distortion pedal, and an acoustic. I have been starting with the acoustic and building off that to stick to my roots. Once the EP is recorded I will give away the guitars I use to write it.

The song I wrote today has a nice blend of older sounds (similar to I Hate This Body) and electric that brings out sadness but it is a faster paced so it’s something that’s catchy and fun. I have a name for the EP and am working with my artist on ideas for cover art currently. Because of the heavy interest in merchandise, I am going to be meeting with a production company tomorrow to see some options for very limited items. If you have something specific you want to see about, send a message through the contact form. There are no items planned at this time, but with the EP this fall I would like to give those interested something they would enjoy. ——— The Jackass Forever trailer came out today and it was fun, but sad to watch it. Jackass was the show my father and I bonded over growing up. He showed it to me in 6th grade and we would stay up late in our basement watching the DVDs of the show and CKY on school nights when I should have been asleep. I was obsessed. It was like finding this deep dive into skating culture and bad behavior. My mom was a conservative Christian who wouldn't let me watch anything, so my dad gave me that glimpse into a world I didn’t know existed and it truly changed my life. The music, the language, the idea of fucking with people for you and your friends to get a laugh at the expense of others (I particularly loved the Golf Course Airhorn skit), it was eye opening to me. It made me, a reject, feel like I had found a group of friends that let me in on their jokes. I wanted to be like Steve-O so badly growing up, an obnoxious loser who would do anything for a laugh, and that’s how I based a lot of my humor. I always tried to be the guy who took things too far, didn’t have boundaries, would hurt myself for attention and to make people laugh, it’s cringey and embarrassing to reflect on. The humor within the culture of those films was something I took with me into parts of my life where it wasn’t acceptable. Where that was a film and it started and stopped on set, I would do things like that at my jobs, at studios, and in social situations where it was unacceptable. Immaturely, and selfishly, I was in love with the idea of being a boy in adolescence. With all its insanity and grotesque coming-of-age tales, I chose to ignore the understanding of how “edgy behavior” plays into a larger role in our lives. I wasn’t cool and I wasn’t funny. I used to thrive on that kind of energy, the manic destructive high, and It was easy for me to attach myself to it because I was out of control and failing in my own life. Failing to control my own anger, failing with accepting my sexuality and how sex works, failing to be honest and admit I wasn’t a good person. I wanted to be so destructive that people would eventually leave me alone and just watch the show. But now as someone who has failed publicly and privately, I see how awful that is. I shouldn’t have had to fail that way. I shouldn’t have been an asshole with the social and emotional intelligence of a child. I wish I could go back in time. When I started treatment. I was at a point of utter failure with no place to turn. I emailed Steve-O and Brandon Novak for advice, they are two people I looked up to in my life who had severe public failures and I wanted to learn from them. I was inspired by people who had messed up their own lives, and I wanted to ask for direction on how to navigate into the next part of my life despite my past. There are a series of videos by Brandon that are really motivating, whether addicted to a substance or any kind of behavior, you can check it here: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OG--M8B04DA When I was in high school, right before Jackass 3 came out, there was a kid named Cody B. that I shared a study hall with. He was a troublemaker, getting in school suspensions and always starting fights. I liked him a lot and we would talk about our favorite skits from the films. The year the third film came out (senior year) he snapped his neck and died on his motorbike. Every time I see it, I think of him, and I hope wherever he is that he can see it, because I’ll be thinking of him when I see it, 10 years after his death. Looking back at my obsession with skating and things like Jackass from my youth, they make me feel pain and love. I feel pain because for the life of me, I don’t know what I was thinking. I don’t know why I thought making misogynistic jokes, or being toxic verbally and dismissing other people’s pain because they “weren’t in on the joke” was cool. It wasn’t. That culture was never about that, I just twisted it to fit my own behavior. The situation with Bam Margera is eerily familiar to me. He's Bipolar Manic spewing acid at everyone around him. He won't accept he is ill, won't get off social media, is constantly calling everyone out and is in a spiral of self-destruction. I hope to see Bam get the help he needs. It hurts seeing him constantly sticking to his sickness and manipulating those around him, causing his "fans" to harass the other JA guys because he got himself removed from the movie. The first step of getting help as a public figure is to leave the public eye. Social media and mental illness are a deadly combination. But I know how it feels to be narcissistic mentally, to feel grandiose, to live in an echo chamber. I hope seeing the movie release without him will make him want to begin rehabilitation. Even if the entire world begs for him to get better, he won't until he wants to commit to helping himself. I have so much shame about my past, and I want to be a good person so badly, I hope someday I’m able to earn that. I am not afraid to embrace my failures and to accept the way things are, everything is up to how we grow from it. I am thankful that my ongoing treatment will allow for me to grow privately and to stay healthy. I want to be the person I need to be. I am looking forward to seeing the new movie with my partner this fall, and all the things it will make me reflect on. Nick ————

One of my favorite songs, Dreamy Journey by The Peggies.

https://open.spotify.com/track/2JVm95LViJHL6TWBjhT0Bn?si=yVxVrN8lQUelvVjSEl3VvQ&dl_branch=1