top of page
  • Nick Hartkop

Updated: Jan 29, 2022

For this song I wanted to make something that sounded like my old material- low-fi but have a lot of energy. I miss the way those songs sounded from around 2012 and the live feel they had. There was something special about that feeling. I included references to other songs from over the years that I hope people are able to pick out. My favorite lyric is, “I miss you so much that it fuckin hurts, It’s like I've got barbed wire in my chest comin through my shirt, and when I hold someone it goes from my chest into theirs.” I like the imagery of it and because I feel like I cause pain to people I hold close. I don’t want to feel like that anymore. To me it sounds like a song that would be on Dancebeats and I think that’s a nice change from how clean and produced my later stuff became. I wanted this to sound like I was playing live at a house show. I like the “ohhh” chants and the chants on the “sorry I'm late” I think the chants in general on this song are some of my favorite. I think they add a group energy that’s fun and upbeat. I hope you enjoy the song too, it should be on Spotify in the next couple days so keep an eye out. The last couple of months I have been struggling mentally and have decided to break up the recording process for the songs I have written and releasing them as singles, not all at once for a CD. I need to remain healthy and to be honest being in the studio was causing me a lot of anxiety and I wasn't able to commit to the entire week. I was able to do Ugly and Cheetah so those will be the two I am releasing. Cheetah Print Bag will be up later this week/Next week, and then I’ll be taking a break until I feel well enough to head back to record. So, essentially it’ll be a bunch of singles then put into an album.

I want to be a good person so badly and make a positive impact with my time here. I have a good heart and good intentions and want to be a better person than I was in my past. Getting treatment for my BPD/Bipolar has changed me a lot and I have been educated in ways that have helped me become a more empathetic person. I have so much shame, regret and embarrassment revolving around my failures, but through my treatment and support systems I will remain a healthy person who stands for what’s right in my heart. I am blessed to have the love and support I do and I want to make people happy and feel understood.

Nick Hartkop


Ugly Duckling Lyrics

Breakneck speeds with breakneck lives

With break-breakneck choices in the night

You've got two black eyes and bruised up thighs

He said, "I can fight if you can fight"

You know, I would be alright if I could make you mine

These can fix your brain if you just give it time

We can take it slow or can take it fast, either way I know that this will never last

Fuck you, then you fucked me and ruined everything

I felt trapped in our home, so I ran away

Your soul looked so pretty on outside

But on the inside, oh on the inside...

Missed you missed you, he asked "Can I kiss you?"

Love will always end in pain so please go get your tissues

Missed me missed me, I know that you hate me

Maybe he will love me, if I let you berate me

Missed you missed you, he asked "Can I kiss you?"

Love will always end in pain so please go get your tissues

Missed me missed me, I know that you hate me

Maybe he will love you, if I let you berate me

Can I please stay for a glass of wine?

Can I keep this book out if I pay the fine?

Her body gets weaker with the passing time

She said, "I can see my mom" as she died

I miss you so much that it fuckin' hurts

It's like I've got barbed wire in my chest comin' through my shirt

and when I hold someone it goes from my chest into theirs

Their heart, their mind, their dreams are mine

Alright (Alright)

Ten years ago I took you home

The poem that I wrote you couldn't leave my throat

Regret the day you walked away

Sorry I'm late

Be brave for me

drink up with me

smoke up with me

shoot up with me

Looked up to me.

Wild and free, feels meant to be

You know, there's towns to see and snakes in trees

With shaky knees, the ugly duckling drowned inside the stream


  • Nick Hartkop

Who am I going to be today?

By Nick Hartkop

Two sides of the same coin

One of kindness, one of anger

Who am I going to be today?

The clouds clear inside my brain

That keep the light from shining through

Angers voice is louder than loves whispers

For holes in walls to be patched up

And painted over with a smile

The same smile that turns sour when the thoughts set in

The emptiness in my brain

The words that cause pain

Two sides of the same coin

Happy and sad

Lonely and in love

I push people away who want me to stay

But I feel that something is beginning to change

My heart begins to connect with my thoughts

The good ones not the bad

Do I have thoughts that are good?

Am I a good thought?

I don’t feel like a monster

But my reflection shows a wolf

Sometimes I break glass and I cry

Sometimes I cry because I can’t figure out what to say

Sometimes I spit fire with my tongue when I think I do.

Who am I going to be today?

Two sides of the same coin

What if we can’t find each other after we die?

We will because I can feel your energy

  • Nick Hartkop

I’m going to be focusing on the positives in my life. I only have so much time in this earth and I want to make a positive impact while I’m here.

I have love in my life

I love my family

I love the way it feels when I dream

I love my home

I love myself

I love my rabbi

I love my heart

I love my life

I love being alive

I love seeing people happy

I love seeing people feel accepted

I love people

I love being in love

I love staying up late at night

I love being up when the sun rises

I love playing

I love singing

I love writing

I love the fall

I love snow

I love God

I hope God loves me

I hope there’s something when we die

I’m afraid of there being nothing

I love love

I love the way happiness feels

I miss the house I grew up in

I love feeling like I have purpose

I fear I’ll be lost forever

I want to be able to afford to take care of my family

I love to make art

I love McCafferty

I love who I am becoming

I love helping people and making people happy. I like to make music because it helps me and connects with others. I have been struggling mentally lately that has made it hard to commit to music but we record Ugly Duckling on Monday and my producer is going to start mixing it immediately so my hope is that it will be up by the end of the month. My plans for myself this year are this:

  1. Start recording new McCafferty music next week with Ugly Duckling being a single

  2. Publish my script of the film I have been writing the last two years (I’m hoping this will be done and being on the site around June)

  3. Writing a book on living with a Bipolar/BPD and growing into the person you want to be (I’m hoping to have this on the site around the fall)

I still haven’t gotten to any emails since December 1st because of my focus on treatment, but I will get back to everyone I promise. I’m really sorry and don’t want anyone to think their message has been ignored.

Something I’ve realized from the messages I receive is that there are a lot of people like me who have struggled with mental illness and not being who they should have been, but truly want to be better and live fulfilling healthy lives. It’s the reason I’m going to write a book about living with mental illness and the challenges I have had. I’m responsible for my own behavior and treatment of mental health, and I failed to do that for a long time but now in reflection I want to talk about how to live with those things and avoid the failures I have had.

I want to be a good person and have a healthy life, I want to continue to write and use my words to help people. I want to write poetry and stories and music that people connect to. I want to be good to those close to me and my family. I want to be better. I think we all want to be better in life and that’s why we never stop growing.

Sending love to everyone, and I hope you enjoy the new McCafferty songs as they start to drop. Keep an eye on the gallery starting Monday; I’ll update it with some photos from recording

Nick Hartkop

bottom of page