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  • Writer's pictureNick Hartkop

January 28, 2022 (Emails/Reflection)

I wanted to make a post letting anyone who has sent a message know that I haven't gotten around to any emails since December 1st, 2021. I have over 200 emails currently in my inbox that my team has sent and my goal is to start answering them on Monday, January 31, 2022. If you have emailed in, I will get back to you.

The last two months I have been struggling mentally around my purpose in life and moving forward from my abusive past. I have been to rehab twice and in therapy every single day for the last two years, and I still feel like an utter failure who is going to be sent to hell. I am scared when I die God is going to damn me and send me to a lake of fire. My Bipolar and Borderline tell me I am the person that people say I am online, but my heart feels deeply for people who are hurting and want to help people. I need to know if it is possible to have failed greatly in life and become a good person. Is it possible for me to be the person I want to be? I think I am a good person who has had a lot of mental illness, anger, and public struggles, but I don't want my story to stop there. I wish there was a clear pathway to redemption. Everyone has times in their life they aren't proud of, and regrets that make their skin crawl, but it took me a lot of education and reprogramming of my morals and behavior to see the world as I should have and to live life healthily.

It feels weird because I don't feel like the person I was anymore, but my past haunts me every day. I want to find peace, and I think continuing to do music and express myself allows me to do that. Being in therapy, being active in my mental health and being accountable for the things I say and do will allow me to move forward and not be stuck in what was, but to see what is and what will become of me. I want my family to love me. I have been trying to rebuild my relationship with my parents and make up for abandoning them in favor of drugs and destruction. I want my father to know I think he is a good man who gave me the best life he could, and I want my mother to know I forgive her and love her deeply.

I was a horrible sibling growing up and pushed my sister and brother away by being verbally abusive, and I don't want to die without seeing them again. I haven't talked to them or seen them in years and I still think about my little sister every day. I think about rehab a lot and the people who I met there that were suffering so deeply, and how it felt to hold hands with them and cry. I also have been thinking about when I crashed my car while overdosing and was so out of it that I kept telling the police and hospital workers that my partner was my mom, Jo-Ann. I don't remember being in the hospital after overdosing, but I'm told I called her Jo-Ann every time I saw her. I miss my mom so much. I love my partner so much.

As someone who has struggled with killing themselves it sounds weird to say I love living. I love being alive and love watching the sun rise. I love driving for coffee in the morning and watching all the cars with people passing by and wonder if they are happy and have struggles similar to myself.

So I need to ask myself this question, when does my life begin and how do I right the wrongs of my past? I want to be good. I want to be loved. I am afraid of being forgotten. I am afraid of my mental illness. I am afraid of my anger. I am afraid of being hated and made fun of.

I want to be a good person and I don't want to go to hell. I feel grateful to have the life I do and to create, and I feel thankful for McCafferty.


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