February 13, 2022 (Reflection)

It is not possible to erase memories or change the past, but you can stop old behavior patterns, decrease the intensity of blind reactions, learn to embrace change, accept all emotions that come up, build self-awareness, and strengthen good habits. Healing is intentional action plus time

This quote speaks to me in regards to my treatment of BPD/Bipolar. I feel sickness and anguish over my past failures, and I carry embarrassment that is hard to manage, but I have worked incredibly hard at becoming educated and a good person over the last couple of years and am proud of the person I have become/am. I am capable of good, of being normal, of living healthily, of using my lowest points to better myself, to be a good partner, to see the best in others, to love deeply, to be empathetic, to be accountable, to be a friend, to put others before myself, to think deeply, to reflect daily, and to want the best for myself and other people, and to help people who are struggling like I am. I am thankful for my treatment, my therapist, my psychiatrist, my family, and for the opportunities to be the person I want to be. I want to be a good person and I want to show the world that. I want to be the best version of myself.

Nick

February 13, 2022 (Cheetah Print Bag Lyrics)

For Cheetah Print Bag I wanted to do an acoustic song like I did for my older material, meaning a live take with no metronome. I was debating if I wanted it to be as raw as it is because the vocals sound very uncontrolled and I am out of breath at times, but I always prefer live sounding music to super produced material. I wanted the theme of the song to revolve around parental struggles with hopeless love and the wanting of acceptance. I think a lot about dying and I wonder if I will make it to heaven, if there even is a heaven at all. I hope there is because I am selfish and scared of there being nothing, but regardless we all are going to find out someday. I head back into the studio on March 5th and 12th, so I am going to try to do the next two songs then and will hopefully release them next month. I am still replying to all the emails I have been receiving and I apologize for the late responses, I should be caught up by the end of this upcoming week. I've been focusing on my treatment for Bipolar/BPD and being a good person in my day-to-day life, and I want to leave a positive impact with the time I have here and be someone that people are proud of and like to be around. It is important to me to be a good person, and I feel like one in my heart, so I want to display those qualities and be the best possible version of myself. I hope that you enjoy the song, and I am incredibly grateful to anyone who listens. Feel free to send a message and I will try to get back to you this week.

Nick Hartkop

Cheetah Print Bag Lyrics:

The child’s arms were so thin that they looked like sticks I bet that Jesus Christ would think the crucifix was funny I wonder if he tells that story at his parties, the ones in heaven that I’ll never get to see Motherfucker Rain pour down on my face, I taste blood, and it tastes good His casket was open in the ground he went. I let you suck my soul from my mouth into your heart at one point we were two separate bodies, but now one that’ll never part I can feel the anchor that’s stuck in the ocean floor from this ship I can’t escape this feeling that I’m drowning deep down in the pit Love note that she left in her locker, If I could, I would make you mine Carousel lit with color, we’re dead but we feel fine Dark room that is lit by a candle, spirits can you hear my cry? Cheetah print bag on her shoulder, my mom died around this time last year, she was Drunk and was angry Like her mother was too I remember when she took me on the Ferris wheel and bought me those balloons And I remember the way her face looked when she would tell me she needed a drink Come on mom , Come on mom, you don't need a drink Rain pour down on my face

I taste blood and it tastes good his casket was open in the ground she went Love note that she left in her locker, if I could, I would make you mine Carousel lit with color, we’re dead but we feel fine Dark room that is lit by a candle, spirits can you hear my cry? Cheetah print bag on her shoulder, my mom died around this time last year, she was drunk and was angry like her mother was too I remember when she took me on the Ferris wheel and bought me those balloons And I remember the way her face looked when she would tell me she needed a drink Come on mom, come on mom, you don't need a drink Love note that she left in her locker, if I could, I would make you mine Carousel lit with color, we’re dead but we feel fine Dark room that is lit by a candle, spirits can you hear my cry? Cheetah print bag on her shoulder, my mom died around this time Hey, I wanted to call and say I had a dream about you and dad when we used to live on Debbie drive. I was playing in the back yard with Lou and thinking about that time when Nathaniel climbed those pine trees and fell out and hurt his arm. I remember Isabella playing with Polly pockets and I think about how horrible I was to her. I wish I could go back in time and drive to Blockbuster with mom and take that old road on Granger that deer ran across when it was foggy out. I wish We could go fly kites at the Achievement Center and ride our bikes around that lake I thought about drowning myself in. I wish I could mow the yard again and see Lady up in the window barking at nothing, and I wish I could hear the doorbell ring when Lane would come over and we’d complain about how bored we were, and I wish I wasn’t so lost in my life right now. I can’t seem to find peace in all this, but I want to. I don’t know if God is listening but if he is I need help

January 28, 2022 (Emails/Reflection)

I wanted to make a post letting anyone who has sent a message know that I haven't gotten around to any emails since December 1st, 2021. I have over 200 emails currently in my inbox that my team has sent and my goal is to start answering them on Monday, January 31, 2022. If you have emailed in, I will get back to you.

The last two months I have been struggling mentally around my purpose in life and moving forward from my abusive past. I have been to rehab twice and in therapy every single day for the last two years, and I still feel like an utter failure who is going to be sent to hell. I am scared when I die God is going to damn me and send me to a lake of fire. My Bipolar and Borderline tell me I am the person that people say I am online, but my heart feels deeply for people who are hurting and want to help people. I need to know if it is possible to have failed greatly in life and become a good person. Is it possible for me to be the person I want to be? I think I am a good person who has had a lot of mental illness, anger, and public struggles, but I don't want my story to stop there. I wish there was a clear pathway to redemption. Everyone has times in their life they aren't proud of, and regrets that make their skin crawl, but it took me a lot of education and reprogramming of my morals and behavior to see the world as I should have and to live life healthily.

It feels weird because I don't feel like the person I was anymore, but my past haunts me every day. I want to find peace, and I think continuing to do music and express myself allows me to do that. Being in therapy, being active in my mental health and being accountable for the things I say and do will allow me to move forward and not be stuck in what was, but to see what is and what will become of me. I want my family to love me. I have been trying to rebuild my relationship with my parents and make up for abandoning them in favor of drugs and destruction. I want my father to know I think he is a good man who gave me the best life he could, and I want my mother to know I forgive her and love her deeply.

I was a horrible sibling growing up and pushed my sister and brother away by being verbally abusive, and I don't want to die without seeing them again. I haven't talked to them or seen them in years and I still think about my little sister every day. I think about rehab a lot and the people who I met there that were suffering so deeply, and how it felt to hold hands with them and cry. I also have been thinking about when I crashed my car while overdosing and was so out of it that I kept telling the police and hospital workers that my partner was my mom, Jo-Ann. I don't remember being in the hospital after overdosing, but I'm told I called her Jo-Ann every time I saw her. I miss my mom so much. I love my partner so much.

As someone who has struggled with killing themselves it sounds weird to say I love living. I love being alive and love watching the sun rise. I love driving for coffee in the morning and watching all the cars with people passing by and wonder if they are happy and have struggles similar to myself.

So I need to ask myself this question, when does my life begin and how do I right the wrongs of my past? I want to be good. I want to be loved. I am afraid of being forgotten. I am afraid of my mental illness. I am afraid of my anger. I am afraid of being hated and made fun of.

I want to be a good person and I don't want to go to hell. I feel grateful to have the life I do and to create, and I feel thankful for McCafferty.

Nick