November 22, 2021 (ACT Exercise)

The following is an exercise from Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT) (Steven C. Hayes, PH.D with Spencer Smith)

EXERCISE: Your Suffering Inventory

We would like you to write down a list of issues that are currently psychologically difficult for you

Painful and difficult issues I experience:

• Anger not knowing what I am going to do with my life

• Feeling I will never control my BPD/BP

• Feeling embarrassed/ashamed of my life and failures

• Not being able to hold a steady job because of paranoia (From people not liking me/being afraid of an active shooting and dying)

Go back and rank these items in terms of the impact that they have on your life

1. Feeling embarrassed/ashamed of my life and failures

2. Not being able to hold a steady job because of paranoia (From people not liking me/being afraid of an active shooting and dying)

3. Feeling I will never control my BPD/BP

4. Anger not knowing what I am going to do with my life

(I feel very similarly about all of these, it is hard to put them in an order)

The Problem With Pain: Often pain holds you back from the kind of life you want to live. It may be that you no longer go to the supermarket because you are afraid you might have a panic attack there.

EXERCISE: The Pain is Gone, Now What?

1. If being afraid of people hating me and setting myself up for failure due to paranoia weren’t such an issue, I would follow my dreams of working in entertainment.

2. If I didn’t have BPD/BP, I would have healthy relationships and live a fulfilling life, and most importantly be normal.

3. If being afraid of active shooters weren’t such a problem for me, I would go out with my partner more, and be able to go into the grocery store to shop.

4. If I didn't have my anger, I would have healthy relationships that i don’t ruin (This relates to BP/BPD)

The Problem with Pain: Revisited

Your pain is holding you back from living the life you want to lead. There are activities you would be engaged in if it weren’t for your pain and the role it plays in your life. The problems you wrote down in the exercises above refers to the “pain of presence” (issues that are present that you would prefer to go away) Those activities you would engage in if matters changed, represent a different kind of pain: they are called “pain of absence.” Generally, the more you live your life trying to ward off the pain of presence, the more pain you get, particularly in the form of pain of absence. While you’ve focused more on getting rid of the pain of presence, you’ve been feeling more of the pain of absence.

Living A Valued Life: An Alternative

Often we attach ourselves to our pain, and we start to judge ourselves based on how we feel and not on what we do. In a way, we become our pain. This is not about solving your problems in a traditional way as much as it is about changing the direction of your life, so that your life is more about what you value.

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I have been having panic attacks lately around the uncertainty of my future. My Psychiatrist has added an additional medication on top of the 4 I am already on for my BPD/BP. It is called Hydroxyzine Pamoate. I have been adjusting to the medication I am on, and believe it has been helping me be more functional. I have been actively participating in my therapy and ACT/CBT and am staying on a path of reaching normality and working through my mental illness. I want to be successful, so I won’t give up. I am thankful for my support systems, and for the treatment I am in. I will continue to update my blog with various exercises. I apologize for the late response to the messages I have received from my team. I will be responding over the next couple days. Thank you to anyone who checks this blog out and follows my treatment. I have found that typing up my exercises helps them stick with me and allows me to gain a deeper understanding from them.

Nick

November 21, 2021 (Reflection)

I wonder what happens after we die, and I wonder what my first words will be. We have first words after birth, so I suspect we have first words after death as well. When we die, do we meet our maker and have a one-on-one conversation? I think my first words would be “I’m sorry” because I’m terrified of death (as most are).

I feel like I will apologize to whoever I meet on the other side because I fear religion and I fear the wrath of God (if there is one). I used to want there to be nothing because I’m scared, and thought if there was nothing I wouldn’t miss or lose anything. But I don’t want to forget about the things I love here on earth, and I don’t want them to forget about me.

I want to be able to miss earth and the things I love. I hope there is something, and I hope it’s something that continues on from here. I’m trying to figure out who I am, and to follow a path of continual growth, so I want that to stay with me through death. But why are humans so special that we get something eternal and joyful after we die? What makes us so special?

I always figured there was nothing because we live in a world of reality, not fantasy, but in a lot of ways this world is fantasy if you think about it. We live on a giant rock that’s floating in space, which we have little to no idea about. Space itself is fantasy, and it makes no sense how it started.

But I do feel a soul in my body. I feel something that lives inside me and to the person reading, you feel that too. It’s something deep in our hearts, and I do believe it’s a soul. Something that will travel after we die.

I hope death isn’t scary, and that it's something I can accept because I don’t want to be forgotten, but dying is natural, we all do it. It is hard to wrap my head around it sometimes. Every single person on this planet right now will die. It’s terrifying. But it makes me want to live my life to the fullest and to pay careful attention to the smallest details that stick with me forever.

Holding hands on a walk, the way my partner feels as we fall asleep, the smell of fall air, the feel of the cool right before rainfall. The way trees look as they lose their leaves. I love so much about this place, and I hope after death I can remember it. Even if I can’t ever feel it again. I want to be a good person so I can look back at my life after I die and be content.

Nick

November 16, 2021 (Reflection/Album Update)

Today is my birthday and I’ve been reflecting on who I am as a person and where my life is headed. I feel like my life is at a crossroads currently. I don’t feel much different than I did when I was younger, but I feel the want to start the next chapter in my life. Since starting medication and treatment, I’ve begun to see the world differently. I used to be manic all the time and everything in my life had to be big and showy to feel satisfied, but I wasn’t happy with my life.

Now I feel more grounded and am very content with my life. I face the same struggles still and have a lot of regret and embarrassment that I caused for myself over the years, but I can feel that the next part of my life is starting. My biggest goal is to feel content with McCafferty. Writing my new record was something I needed for closure with it, and I am excited to head into the studio next month to get them properly recorded.

I have been thankful for starting ACT and CBT, and it has been beneficial alongside my medication. I have a psychiatrist and therapist who understand my struggles and who I am as a person. It has been a blessing and I look forward to my continued treatment.

This next year, I want to feel that I have grown as a person, and actively live a stable, healthy life. I want to be normal, and I think I can do it. Having BPD and BP isn’t an excuse for me not to be successful and who I want to be. I want to be a good person, and I want to always be better. I am thankful for my support systems and I want to give back to them. I want to show the kindness that they have shown me, and the love that they showed me through my most mentally ill moments. I want to feel at peace with myself and show my best.

My plan is to take time away from McCafferty again after this record, I don’t feel like I have anything else left to say after these songs. I tried my best on them and loved writing them, and I think people will really enjoy them, so I want to release something I’m proud of and move into the next part of my life, which is my family. I want to stop writing music after this record, and want to transition my writing and become a better author. I need practice on writing screenplays and novels, so maybe I will update something self-published to the blog someday, but I want to learn how to craft longer stories adapted for the stage or screen. It’s something I have always felt drawn to, and it’s become what I am passionate about. I want to do this alongside having a family. I want to live my life for someone else and give them love and support and watch them grow and succeed.

But at my core, I will always be McCafferty, and it will always be who I am. Even if it’s a part of who I was at a certain time in my life, I will always love it. I am very excited to put out some new music, and I have decided that there won’t be any merchandise for it. I am thankful for the shirts that were for charity, but I don’t see this new release having anything. I think just putting up the music is the healthiest choice for me, but nothing more. I will be raffling off the acoustic, bass, and electric used on the record (I am working with my team to see how to make that possible, it will be free though)

I am thankful for another year on this planet. I will continue to grow and be the best I can be.

Nick