October 27, 2021 (Reflection/LP Update)

Today has been a good day, and I am focusing on being confident in my future and happiness. It has been cold and rainy here the last couple days, which is my favorite weather. We are going to go out and go on a walk later, and I am excited.

I have been thinking about how I am getting older. I still feel young in my chest and heart, but time keeps passing so quickly.

I wonder what my children will think of McCafferty. That's a really weird thing to write considering I started it as a child. Initially, I feel like it's something I would like to keep from them because of how intense the lyrical content is, but inevitably they will find out (I have a McCafferty tattoo on my left arm that I don't plan on covering up) but I hope that it will help them feel like they can connect to me and share anything that is going on with them and their development.

Growing up, I always wanted to have a parent I felt a connection with. To this day, I feel like I have no idea who my father is, and because of my mother's mental illness and abusive Christian ideologies I was never able to talk to anyone about the things I struggled with and I internalized a lot of it which was unhealthy and unsafe. I don't want my kids to feel like that, and I want them to know that no matter who they are, they will always be celebrated, and that they aren't alone in the struggles they may face, no matter what those struggles are. I think having a home that you feel safe, secure and love in are essential for happiness, yet seems hard to obtain.

It'll definitely be weird considering half my songs are me screaming the F-word, but that's how I felt inside, and maybe they will feel that way too. Hopefully like most kids with their parents, they will think it's lame and that'll be that.

I have been finishing up Trees III the last couple days, it should be the last song I write for the LP. I need to go back through my demos and dissect the songs and their parts so I am ready to hit the studio in December, and I plan to use all of November to rehearse the songs before I start recording. I have 7 songs that I am going to be using on the record, and I would like to have 8 songs if possible, but Trees III is taking a long time. I have most of it written but it's going to be the last in the Trees Series (as I would put it) , so I want to make sure I make it feel grandiose and final.

Something that I have struggled with regarding McCafferty is closure, and I am hoping this record gives me that. I have tried to step away from my music so many times throughout the years, but there was always something calling me back because I felt unfulfilled or satisfied with it. Because of where I am in my life and treatment, I want this record to give me fulfillment and closure, and allow for me to start the next chapter in my life. I want to be a father, a writer, and follow other dreams I have alongside McCafferty.

I just want to be able to take a step back and look at it all and feel like, "Yeah you did it. You made what you wanted, met your soulmate through this, received the help you needed because of this thing, and now you can rest." and I want to be able to listen to my music in 20 years and remember what it was like to want what I have now. I feel a lot of accomplishment with my music and what I have been able to do, I just want to feel like I've tried my best and that I am finally done.

I want to think of how I used to sit in the dark in that room in the basement where I lived listening to demos on my phone before I had anyone listening, and think of where those words took me. Of how they changed my life, and of how I changed my own life by baring my soul and my disturbances. I love McCafferty so much. If I hadn't started it I would still be in that dark basement, dreaming of running away. I think I will always write McCafferty songs, but I hope the pain I feel in my brain and heart ease with time, and that I continue to grow and be proud of who I am.

Nick

October 26, 2021 (Rehabilitation)

I've been struggling with wanting to take my life these last couple weeks because I feel hopeless and like a reject from society. Lately, my BPD has been really bad, and I haven't been getting much sleep. I didn't sleep again last night, and it's 7:34 AM right now. When I think of killing myself, I think of how people would just make videos making fun of me, mocking my mental illness and saying they were glad/I deserve it. I do understand that those are thoughts fueled by my BPD and that it isn't true.

I have a meeting with my new psychiatrist this Thursday and am going to be increasing my medication as well as exploring new ways to maintain a healthy lifestyle and stay forward thinking and goal-oriented. It means a lot to me, and I am looking forward to it. I am lucky to be able to see a psychiatrist and am thankful for their guidance.

I want to be happy and have a normal life, and have a future ahead of me despite my failures and mental health struggles. I have been doing everything I can to be the person I should be. I have been educating myself and in treatment for almost 2 years now (End of January) but I feel like I still have no worth. I want to be a good person and have a family that loves me, and I want to be able to do something I love and find peace. I am ashamed of my life and ashamed of who I was before starting my treatment. I just hate myself and feel lost. I don't want to be hated, and I want people to see me as a person. I have a lot of love and good to give this world, and I feel like I am no longer able to.

I haven't gotten around to answering any messages, so if you have sent one in, I apologize. I plan on getting to them today, but I am feeling hopeless. I have been converting to Judaism the last year and a half, and I am in a class I go to on Sundays that I enjoy, and am hoping helps me find peace because of my abusive relationship with God. I struggled with living with myself before my public failures, and now most days the weight of it feels unbearable. I don't know how to advocate for myself. I'm a smart person who wants to be a contributing member of society, and to be able to accomplish something someday, but I feel like my time has passed. I hope someday that I will be able to look back at this period of my life and see that its growth helped shape me, but I don't feel like it sometimes.

I feel like I am never going to be able to grow or move on in my life. It's a frustrating thing to experience, and my BPD makes my paranoia incredibly high, and I feel a lot of turmoil about it. I feel like giving up, but I won't because I think there is still hope for me. I want to go back to school and start a career that gives me purpose and that I feel safe in, and I think with the help of my treatment and support systems I will be able to.

I am writing this blog to help give me the confidence I need to continue on in my life. I am going to accomplish what I want. I will have a normal job with a normal schedule and a normal life. I will have a family and be able to support them, and I mean emotionally. I will be understanding of others, the way I want to be understood. I will be able to be someone I am proud of, and that people can be proud of. I will look back at this time in my life and be thankful for the struggles I have. I will conquer my mental illness and be successful. I have dreams for myself, and for my life. I won't give up on them.

I understand that I do not have a normal brain though. I am thankful for the way my mind works and for my ability to write music and use my voice in ways that connect with people. I will always be a writer and am excited to continue following that and I am incredibly grateful for McCafferty. Something that gives me a lot of fulfillment and purpose is this new release I am working on. I feel like the only thing I have ever been good at is making music and it’s exciting thinking about sharing new songs that I hope people connect to. Even in my darkest moments I am thankful for it and the journey it has put me on. It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and it’s my story. Even with its hardships I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

I am thankful to get to experience this place, and I won't leave until I have accomplished what I want to. I have a loving stable home, and a support system that cares for me and wants to see me succeed. I will not let them down. I am thankful for them.

I am a loving person who wants to do good in their life.

Nick

October 19th, 2021 (Merch Store Live Now)

I am excited to announce that we are doing 50 shirts through Limited Run with all profits going to Easterseals. We wanted to start with a very small amount to see how much interest there is for merchandise, and if they do end up selling we will look into other items. I want to thank everyone who has messaged in inquiring about the merch, and I apologize for the late reply to messages, I have not started replying yet, so if you messaged in I will get back to you this week.

I have been finishing up the demos for the album, and still have two songs to finish up after the one I am working on. Because of scheduling, we will be recording the album December 6-17th and I plan to have pictures shared via the blog when we start. I am really excited for it and I think it's some of my best work. I am hoping that these shirts sell so we can get some more merch for people who want it, and continue to donate to charity. I am incredibly thankful for my team who has helped make this happen and for working with me through my struggles with borderline personality disorder.

You can check out the merch here in the following link, and there will be a permanent shop tab added to the site as well. If you have any questions about the merch, you can contact customersupport@mccaffertyband.com. I look forward to the winter.

Merch Store Listing: McCafferty - Diamonds T-Shirt (Limited Edition) - McCafferty (limitedrun.com)

Nick

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